I am sitting at my dining room table surrounded by half empty boxes and clutter awaiting accommodation in my new home. My library will remain boxed pending my acquisition of a new bookcase having left my old bookcase in CA. The friend I had given it to offered to return it in light of the newly acquired room when we upgraded from the small trailer to the more substantial truck but I wanted to repay her assistance in our moving (I was unable to carry boxes due to my surgery and so she stepped in and subbed for me). I�m sure she would have helped regardless but it would have been less taxing for her.

The electronics have been assembled, a result of having a man in my life, and the kitchen and bedroom arranged (my task) leaving only the bathrooms to be assembled. We will need to acquire a sofa since we disposed of the sofa bed we had in CA before we knew we would have room for it. For now we sit in camp chairs set up in the living room (well one camp chair and a dining room chair since our second camp chair is a bit nasty having been left out on the patio in CA).

Yesterday we visited with my Darling�s parents at his sister�s house. Sharing stories of the family�s past few years including the trials of the family dynamic with the introduction of the newest (well not quite the newest, I am the newest but we aren�t married so it�s not official) member of the family and her inability, or lack of desire, to get along with everybody else. There is the joke of me being best friends with her but I�m certain she will like me less than any other member of the family. Not that it matters because I�m not fond of people who take themselves so seriously. I�m also certain that she will treat me as a younger subordinate. She is not alone in that behavior. My youthful appearance, while complimentary, often causes people to treat me as much younger than my actual age and thus somewhat disrespectfully. I have 42 years under my belt (soon to be 43) and more than my fair share of experience having recreated myself at least four times now. People simply forget how old I am and thus disrespect. I forgive most people because I understand that it isn�t intentional but I find it difficult to afford people that grace when I do not like the person. It�s not that I despise her; she has done nothing more annoying to me than placing her foot firmly in her mouth when I visited for Christmas in an attempt to let me know that she didn�t think my Darling and my age difference should be an obstacle to our love. After all, she was kind enough to express (unsolicited) to my Darling (whom she had just met) that she approved of me. She has, however, in my opinion, done nothing to ingratiate herself into the family and I�m not impressed with her behavior if what has been relayed to me is accurate. We shall see.

I�m uncomfortable with becoming part of this family, not that they are bad and certainly they are welcoming to me, but my former experience with someone else�s family was warm and welcoming too. It makes me hesitant to allow myself to relax into this relationship with them.

This morning I went for a run. It was no more than a mile (I haven�t measured it yet but I feel fairly certain of the distance) but my chest hurt from the cold air. I haven�t run in a while so I expected some difficulty but my assumption was that my legs would give me trouble. Instead I was hit with the same knot in my chest I remember from before I ran away from home. It took a while after returning to the warmth of my apartment to subside (I must remember to bring in my plants before they too succumb to the unanticipated cold). It is deceptively warm during the day so I completely miscalculated the nighttime cold. My chest is only slightly sore right now (I shudder to think of how much pain I would be in if I were still smoking). It�s hard to believe I used to run when I was still smoking. How I managed that is anyone�s guess. I suppose it was the recovery of youth. Those days are gone forever I suspect, although I hope to return to some degree of healthy shape prior to heading into winter so as not to be too weighty when spring arrives next year. I remember how difficult it was to remain svelte through the winter with holiday cooking and inactivity wreaking havoc on an individual.

Of course depending on our employment (or lack thereof � God am I stressing about that situation!) I could be growing our family by spring. It�s hard to wrap my brain around that decision. We have not shared that intention with his family and I expect it will be fait accompli before we do. I believe they will be receptive to the idea most assuredly due to their unvoiced concern that my Darling may be forfeiting his chance for a family by being with me. Despite their obvious acceptance of me they can not be ignoring the reality that I am probably not wanting or considering having a baby since we haven�t voiced any intention. My Darling is young and could be giving up his chance to have a family. Here�s hoping I haven�t waited too long to walk that particular path.

My life has meandered down so many paths as I hop from one to the other in an attempt to find my way. Every time I think I have found my one true path another fork in the road allows me to change direction. I have felt both forced and free in choices over my lifetime and I suspect there is some accuracy to that perception. My sense of duty has forced my path on occasion and my openness to change has allowed me to change direction mid stream. I live in MI now, a resident of a small town, where I suspect I will come to know many people and develop new relationships to enrich my world. Together with the friends from CA that I will remain in touch with, I will continue down this path for a spell. Perhaps someday I will come to yet another fork in the road allowing me to blaze off into yet another direction but for now I am content to bask in the warmth of my Darlings love and give of myself in return. Regardless of any outcome, today I am in love and that will be enough to carry me in the course of this new adventure. Just call me Jonathan Livingstn.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

�