Tonight I said goodbye to my class. The actual class was cut short at the insistence of the angry Mexican woman complaining that she had been promised that they could set up their, I don�t know, they sell stuff, like a Tupperware party but instead cheap shopping channel type stuff. And so we who were mid Kata had to stop to let them in. It sucked. Then my students presented me with a plague with a certificate of appreciation for my teaching (since 2002, wow it hasn�t seemed like 4 years). It made me cry. I didn�t realize how really hard it was going to be to say goodbye to these women who have showed up semi regularly to learn from me. Truth be told, I have learned so much from them. Teaching them has allowed me to look at my art from many different angles and I am a better martial artist (and person) because of it.

I will miss them desperately.

My dear friend from Arkansas is not able to get time off when I pass through her neck of the woods so I must find a way to cross paths with her. I can not bear to pass so close and not stop to say hello. I used to avoid making friends. I�m sure that others who knew me might say that I was quite friendly and in fact might even consider me a friend but actually I was distant and aloof. This was not due to ego or a sense of superiority in any way. This was fear of getting attached and thus getting hurt.

A few days ago I took a personality quiz and found out I was a dog. Someone I know would have liked to have been deemed a dog (or cat) but instead was proclaimed a bear. Not just any bear (not a cute little brown bear, no) but a grizzly bear. While I have sympathy for my friend I would choose to be a bear over a dog any day.

Follow me:

I dog will allow you to beat him to death if he believes that you are his friend (or master). (pits don�t count, they were bred like bears). Bears, on the other hand, will tolerate so much (and run away even) but eventually no matter how much you think they are used to you they might just fight back.

Ask the Grizzly man if you don't believe me, oh right you can't, cause

Folks don�t torture a bear long or repeatedly. Bears don�t suffer fools gladly.

Yes I�m thinking I might rather be a bear. Lonely maybe, sometimes, but well protected.

I must, however, reluctantly concede that I am, in fact, a dog despite my best efforts to be other. I consider myself lucky that this dog and this bear are friends. I can learn from her strength and she can learn, (?) actually I�m not sure what I really offer anyone other than whatever the feel they receive from me. Best I can do is say that my only true wish is that everyone will find a place of peace inside that can carry them through the storm.

The goodbyes are piling up, my heart aches and my eyes continue to well up with no more sign of ceasing than the California rain. I am forced to say goodbye in the California rain, it seems all to poetic, and somehow so very sad to me. It has rained more in the past month than I can remember it raining the whole of my time here.

For the record - Turning points:

12/2000 landed in San Diego for the first time
8/2000 left for a while
2/2001 came back from far away based on a lie
7/2001 trapped forever (or at least a few years) by the slip of a small rock
9/2001 first real CA job
6/2003 broke my first chain
11/2003 beginning of the end I�m standing near.
1/2004 out with the old (and broken) and broke my second chain
4/2004 in with the new (my Darling)
12/2004 broke the last chain, FREEDOM!
6/2005 started all over, with Darling
4/2006 cast my dreams into the rains and wait for the peace to wash over me.

To be continued�

(my life, not the post)

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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