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2006-03-16 - 12:20 a.m.

So I�m trying really hard to get all my stuff packed and ready before I have my surgery a week from today. I am having a party on Saturday to say goodbye to my friends and I�m so obsessed with getting packed I took down all the pictures and packed them away. It never even occurred to me to leave them up until after the party. I feel like an idiot. Now the place is barren and I still have three weeks before we leave. It�s a long/short time and I continue to feel as though it will take forever/be here before I know it.

I am trying to view this as an opportunity to meet new people and experience new things but I don�t really like meeting new people. Strangers are good; they bear no weight in my world. Their approval/disapproval means nothing to me. I will fear no stranger but new family is a whole nother matter. His Mother & Father, his Sister and her Husband, his Brothers and their Wives and Children, all people who wish to integrate me into their world. They belong to him and always will no matter how entwined our lives are and I don�t want to forget that again.

It�s so hard not to repeat mistakes and even harder not to make even bigger mistakes while trying to avoid repeating the past. Maybe it�s OK to like his family because My Darling isn�t my ex. Maybe they won�t discard me like a piece of garbage if things don�t last forever. Maybe they will, who knows, maybe I�ll have more time with my Darling than I did with the ex (Darling is worth more time that�s for sure). Distance has worked in my favor thus far; I haven�t had any contact independent of my Darling. What now? What will happen now that I am to be in the same town, will they want to be my friend? Do I want to be theirs? Don�t get me wrong I like his family, I enjoyed meeting them over the holidays when I was freshly divorced but we have been together for another year and I suspect everyone is wishing for a formal occasion.

I take a deep breath and blow again into the fear balloon watching it expand and stretch the limits of the fine rubber. Never content to just wait for the world to turn I seek to spin it ahead and see the future like the gypsy of my heritage. My crystal ball is always wrong and yet I keep it clean and gaze into it often.

*Sigh*

If only I could make money predicting the future. In order to do that, of course, I would have to be right at some point.

The other dream is sitting, unforgotten, in my pocket. When the panic strikes I wonder if it is naive of me to think that I could have it all, or even just a little

I can do this. Deep breath, and this time I will let it go instead of filling my fear.

G�night

I wish you Peace

~alison~


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