It�s very funny to me how much my friends and family want to dismiss my responsibility for the failure of my marriage and how much responsibility I want to take. I�m certain the reality lies somewhere in between. My marriage has been occupying a great deal of my reflective mind of late. In part due to the housecleaning I have been doing which has uncovered many little pockets of my past which must be sorted, stored or discarded. At the time of my separation I wanted him to bear all of the responsibility for the destruction but time and retrospection has altered my perception of events. Now I am not going to launch into yet another rehashing of events and emotions. Instead I am going to list out what I have done to purge my emotional hard drive.

I have sifted through all the developed pictures retaining my history and disposing of his (I could have found him and delivered the unwanted photos but the reality is I�m not that virtuous). I still have to develop several rolls of film (by that I mean more than a dozen) and since I don�t want to pay for another 100 bird pictures I thought I would just develop the film and not have prints made. It should save me money and I can still have the pictures I want printed.

I donated my wedding dress to the local community theatre. It was styled after a classic turn of the century dress so I�m sure that they will be able to make use of it. It felt better than I thought.

I have continued to force myself to the gym and yesterday it really paid off for me. I ran for more than 25 min (2.5 miles) and felt wonderful doing it. For the first time in a long time I found myself smiling while I ran. After a particularly bad day it felt great to get lost in the physical moment.

I am trying to put aside my irrational fears born of the ridiculous end of my marriage and see clearly the difference in my current relationship and the man I continue to fall in love with. His consideration for me breeds small kindnesses that touch even the bitterest cold pieces of my heart.

I am attempting to cease wondering about his life and times. I�m sure the only thing that has changed is the severity of his misbehavior with no one to keep him in check. I�m not saying this to be mean, it is just that I was the conscience in our lives.

Letting go is not a single act. We hold a rope fashioned of many little threads and when we let go we do it one thread at a time. Eventually, as long as we keep picking away at it, all the threads will fall away and one day we will realize our hand is empty. Until then I believe it is OK not to focus on the rope. You don�t need to be upset about its presence or your lack of attention to the letting go. Even unattended the threads will fall away.

In all of it I should remember that I loved once and even if he turned out to be unworthy of my love, my love was true.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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