Pictures.

I sifted through the pictures again. Last week I met with a friend and she kept me company while I dredged through the many envelopes of pictures I had accumulated through out my marriage. I rid myself of all of the pictures of him and him and me. I thought I got them all (except the wedding album which I am still uncertain about) but I was wrong. Tonight I found a bunch of pictures in an album I hadn�t looked in yet. I shredded all the pictures of him. I�m not angry; I just don�t want to see him.

It�s funny how your perception is affected by your experience. I put the pictures I found this evening into the photo album thinking they were good pictures. I looked at the pictures of my ex and thought he looked good, happy, that we were happy. Now I look at those same pictures and I see me happy and him, well he seems distracted in some and unhappy in others. The ones he appears genuinely happy in are the ones in which he is receiving some sort of gift. I wonder if he was ever happy with me or if he simply liked the idea of me, or what I gave him. I thought he was happy in the beginning but the pictures tell a different story.

After my fun with pictures My Darling and I talk (on the phone since he is at work) about the impending trip back home. The map provided by the club lists the trip as 32 or so hours. He wants to drive the whole way in two days. While this is not impossible nor even difficult for the average guy I am not sure if I can do it. I don�t want to promise that I can if I can�t and I haven�t driven such a long trip since I drove to Virginia in �97. I haven�t had to drive any long distances, I have been married. Of course all this means that he is dependent on me for the pace of the trip and I am already feeling the pressure six weeks out. I like that he is independent and doesn�t rely on me to make decisions for him. On the other hand he isn�t exactly open to suggestions most of the time (especially if he already has an idea). This is not unusual in men but it places me in unknown territory. Then if he does ask for suggestions I�m not sure what he is looking for, validation, reassurance, actual suggestions, ideas, who knows? He is a planner, which is good, but in the end he travels by the seat of his pants (easier solo).

He doesn�t understand how I could have traveled all over the country so blithely then and now I am so paranoid. I told him it was the lack of debt then compared to now but that probably isn�t the real reason. Back then I was drunk every night. Every night I would sit down in my RV wherever it was parked and drink until I went to sleep. I didn�t worry because I medicated myself away from worry. When it got too much the solution was a liquor store away. Now I must deal. No cigarettes to puff away my stress, no alcohol to blur my worry. Everything sits right there in the front of my brain day after day no break. My head aches.

My long weekend is over and tomorrow I must dive back into work as though I am not abandoning ship in six weeks. I must pretend as though I care what happens next in my job (I do care but it just doesn�t make any difference).

I wonder how long My Darling will be able to stand my state. What will I do when I arrive all the way there only to find that he, I, we can�t? What then do I do? Without anesthetic this really is a little more than I can bear. I need to sleep now, I have to be at work early tomorrow, big doings, important people, and all that jazz.

Like I care.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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