Today
Yesterday
Diaryland

 photo Asian-Banner.gif

2006-01-29 - 12:53 a.m.

In case you are wondering the photograph for my new banner is Orion�s Nebula. I�m not sure why but Orion has figured prominently in my memories since I was very young. As a child I could, of course, identify the big and little dipper and one or two other major constellations but it was Orion that always seemed magic to me. Maybe it was because you could only see Orion in the winter. There was not a lot I looked forward to in winter but I always felt lucky if I could see Orion standing guard over my house through the winter.

I have developed an irrational fear of winter. I am afraid of how the cold will affect my body. I am a young 42, in decent shape, and I suffer very little in the way of aging. I can remember the last winter I experienced. I wore long johns under my cloths all the time. In the mornings my hands would be curled tight and swollen, I would have to run them under warm water to release them. My cheeks were burned red and my knees seemed to ache all the time.

Strangely I don�t remember feeling all that cold and uncomfortable when my Darling and I went home to visit at Christmas in 2004. It�s not that it wasn�t cold (single digits, brrr) but it didn�t bother me all that much. Of course I didn�t have to move around in it much and there wasn�t any snow to move around. I hate moving around snow. It seems as though just as you are finishing up someone comes along and dumps more onto you.

All this whining doesn�t mean anything of course. I am moving back east and that is that. I can�t find any reason to stay that out weighs the many reasons to leave. This will become �when I was in California� just as I have �when I was married� and �when I lived in Virginia� etc. I have lived in five states (I have lived in California twice with eight months in Florida to break it up) and soon I will be able to claim six. In some ways I am excited to see a new place. I feel as though I have over stayed my welcome. Frankly I just don�t feel comfortable hanging around long enough for people to get to know me. I�m easier to love if you don�t have to spend a lot of time around me. I�m not knocking me, I�m just not the easiest soul to know.

Maybe this time I can create a person that doesn�t attract the one person who can�t seem to live their lives independently and must instead use me as their private measuring stick. I�m tired of being hated because someone judges me better then them and then despise me for it. Or doesn�t see me and thus misinterprets everything.

I have a dear friend at work that I will miss. I find it amusing though that she is an evangelical Christian who, if I were also Christian, would sit me down and give me a talking to about living in sin. Since I am not Christian she calls me a fornicator (with tongue in cheek) and we laugh about the world we both are irritated to be in. I know that she wishes I would consider her faith but I understand her faith and I know that by her rules I am not a fornicator I am an adulteress. Marriage is a one shot deal, you screw it up and you are supposed to keep it in your pants for the rest of your life. I don�t buy it. I don�t buy a lot of what�s in the book and I know that Christianity isn�t al a carte. You can�t just help yourself to the desserts and ignore the brussel sprouts. If you don�t buy the whole book you are not Christian, I didn�t make the rules.

So what am I? My co-worker thinks I am a seeker. For all my live and let live �whatever gets you through the day� approach she believes that I am looking for truth. She is wrong. I have found the truth (or my truth at least) and it is simple. I don�t care what comes next. I don�t care if there is heaven, hell, purgatory, reincarnation or if we just melt back into the cosmic soup (I might just hang out in Orion�s Nebula). I don�t think what happens next matters. I�m not living to get a reward or to avoid punishment. If I have to do this all over again so be it. And if when it�s all said and done its just lights out I�m good with that too. I can�t be worried about more than getting through the moments.

For me life is about moving from moment to moment trying to inhabit your life to the fullest. It is about not letting time slip away while you dilly dally along as if this isn�t temporary. It�s not that you need to do anything special it is simply that everything you do is special and you should be aware of that on some level. I want to get back to the feeling I once had of being inside myself. I was aware physically, spiritually and intellectually of my existence. The possibility exists that it was (and is) an illusion of my illness but since others speak of the same feeling I believe it is possible that I once �lived� there and could possibly live there again.

I leave you with De@th C@b Cutie.

You and me, we�ve seen every thing to see
From Bangkok to Calgary and the soles of your shoes
Are all worn down, the time for sleep is now
But it�s nothing to cry about cause we�ll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms

If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied
Illuminate the �no�s� on their vacancy signs
If there�s no one beside you when your soul embarks
Then I will follow you into the dark
I will follow you into the dark

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Death isn�t romantic it is just inevitable.
Life is temporary and that is comforting.

I wish you Peace

~alison~


Leave a note:

to leave a note you need to be logged in



- - 2013-08-16

Darkness - 2013-04-18

Too much - 2013-04-09

Skip - 2013-03-03

- - 2013-02-07


earlier - later

about me - read my profile! read other DiaryLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get your own fun + free diary 

at DiaryLand.com!