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2006-01-25 - 12:01 a.m.

It's the waiting. That's where the problem lies. If I could decide and then just go ahead and do it then it might not be so bad but this decision has to be made several months in advance and now I must go about the business of my life while attempting to find a new job all without sharing this information with those around me. I listen as people plan for my future knowing that my future is already spoken for. My heart races, my stomach turns and I cry in inappropriate places (like the sauna at my gym).

And I wait.

This gives me too much time to run useless scenarios through my brain. I realize that the imagined future is in no way real and to date no image of my future has ever come true so there is no reason to believe that any of my deepest fears will materialize. He loves me, I know that, and I love him. I have no wish to move to my hometown (I don�t like it there) but I am painfully aware that I will be opening the door to the same kind of closeness I enjoyed with my ex�s family. A closeness that was amputated when the man I once loved chose to love another. They were not mine to have I know that and I should not have expected them to be fair, that is not their place. They were (and forever will be) his. Am I not placing myself in essentially the same position? I will be in his home court and that requires a high level of trust.

I am afraid of the cold, desperately afraid. I�m afraid of being made old by the cold. Here I can claim a level of youth; here we can pretend I am not so much older than him. There I will feel every ache in my bones. What about the possibility of a baby? As the months go by and I skirt the subject again and again I wonder if I will move through hell and high water only to find that I have none of the things I moved to get.

You see! You see!

I do this to myself and every day that goes by from the day I decided to the day I put the last item into the truck and wave goodbye to my California sun I will torture myself until I fear I will explode (or implode). There will be no sleep except in exhaustion. There will be no peace and I will drive My Love to distraction. He may wish we never thought to find our own niche somewhere we could afford.

He called me his favorite person in the world today and he has claimed he would be happy to spend the rest of his life with me. Tall words from my very tall man and I believe he means what he says, I am not sure if that will always be.

I have medicine from my shrink especially for times like this. It will shut down the wheels that are currently spinning out of control between my ears. I am scared to take it. I don�t want to feel as though I am �using� prescription drugs. I want to shut down but how to do that without giving in. I don�t want to go to work, I don�t want to teach my class or go to the gym or even sit here and tell my story but if I don�t get it out of my head somehow it will morph into a beast that will devour me.

In times of stress the cycle starts and I can�t do anything about it.

I�m tired of this, achingly tired. It�s just a move for God�s sake I�ve done it a half a dozen times with less thought and planning and I�m still here only a little worse for the wear.

Time to put on my big girl pants and do what must be done.

I wish you Peace

~alison~


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