There has been a major shift in my life. It hasn�t exactly happened yet but I am about the business of making it happen so it might as well have. The side affect of the shift is the usual fear (terror) of the unknown future (as compared to the known kind) and a great sadness for all I will leave behind. I have grown tired of struggling so hard to just keep my head above water. This recent scare at my workplace (over but not done with I suspect) has left me knowing all to well the fragile nature of life here in the land of the beautiful people. Add to that my reoccurring nightmare of the phone call that brings me the news that I will never see or speak to one or both of my parents again. I know that life is temporary and being close to them won�t keep them here (nor would I want to) but I don�t want to miss the chance to share the time left with them because I live so very far away.

If you haven�t guessed where this is going let me say it outright, I�m working on moving out of CA and back nearer to my parents. By the fault of the man I choose to spend my life with now I am attempting to find employment in MI. Yes, yes I am aware that it snows there and I have proclaimed from the highest mountains (or so it seems) my desire to avoid contact with the icy white substance but I don�t know any other way to have the things I want. My needs are simple, I can meet most of them now, but I want more.

I want to live in my own house. I want a yard and a garden. I want my stuff from my home town (my Baby Grand piano and Asian bent wood desk to name just a little of what is currently in storage so very far from here).

I want to be closer to my family so that I can see them more than once a year if I am lucky (they would be 5 to 6 hours from the areas I am looking at.)

I want to be with My Darling and although I know he would stay here forever if I wanted him to I also know that he too wants a house and to be near his family.

I want a family of my own and that just isn�t feasible in this oh so expensive area of the country. And wouldn�t it be nice if my �family� could know the rest of the family?

On the down side:

I will miss my friends. I have a lot of virtual friends who don�t care if I am here or there because it doesn�t affect our relationship but I have 3d friends whom I will miss a great deal. My students and some of my co-workers, people who have welcomed me and made this feel like home in many ways.

I don�t like to feel as though I am giving up. My ex is telling people that I have gone back home (run off with my tail between my legs or so it was explained to me). And yet I am giving up. I have come to the natural conclusion that I can not have what I want here. I don�t want to drop down again in the middle of nowhere not knowing anyone. This leaves four places I can potentially go.

1. Virginia � (Brother two lives there) been there, done that with the ex.
2. Florida � (Brother one lives there) also been there, done that, didn�t like it.
3. New York � (Parents) No work, too many bad memories.
4. Michigan � (My Darlings family) new but not completely alone and close enough to home if necessary.

I have also been assured by my Love that if I am unhappy we will head south until it is warm enough. I still have friends here as well and if I find myself on my own and wishing to head back I believe someone would take pity on me and allow me to impose for a brief time until I pulled myself up onto my feet yet again.

Big changes brewing and with it comes all the complications my disease presents in emotional times. I vacillate between acceptance (because I know this is right) and anguish (because I live in a constant state of fear and self-loathing). It is the only path I can see to obtain what I want but even now I question if I even have the right to that life. And how do I know it won�t all be just as bad as so many of my past decisions?

I am never certain of my path and yet I never stop walking.

What kind of fool am I?
What do I know of life?
Why can't I cast away the mask of clay
And live my life?
Why can't I fall in love
'Til I don't give a damn?!
And maybe then I'll know
What kind of fool I am!!!

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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