The storm that has been beating the west coast has finally found its way down to my neck of the woods. While there is flooding reported in the surrounding area I sit atop a sizable hill and so I am in danger only if the top of the hill decides to change elevation. There are several apartment buildings in the complex who would proceed mine so I should have considerable notice of the event. Today will most likely be spent indoors vegging.

I managed to get all of the Christmas decorations down yesterday with only one minor meltdown. My Darling walked in to find me crying as I took the lights off the tree. I had to explain the sadness that overwhelmed me as I separated our Christmas items. I initially put all the decorations into one box but decided that I should pack them separately and this led directly to thoughts of separating from my Darling (I know it's insane but that is how my brain works). It's not that I never believed that my marriage would last (I suspected it would end that's why I hesitated in the beginning) but after I was married I allowed myself to believe that it could last and that possibility led to the shock and suffering brought about by his infidelity and our divorce. Now I am intimately aware of the possibility of separation in this relationship and sometimes painfully so. It's hard on me sometimes and it isn't really fair to my Darling who has done nothing to deserve my certainty that this too must end at some point.

He held me and said nothing leaving me yet again to wonder. I believe this state of uncertainty is a creature of my own making. I have been skiddish, unwilling to be tied down, avoiding any real commitment and this would have to generate fear on his part. How much is too much to push for? How much commitment can he ask for before I jump and run? Would he have already asked if I hadn't had a bad marriage and even worse divorce?

I'm better now and I am working on my New Years evaluation and mission statement (to be posted soon).

Stay dry all.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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