I really hate screwing up. As much as I try and do everything I�m supposed to stuff just seems to fall through the cracks (that is the excusers term for �I just forgot to do that.�). Under normal circumstances this wouldn�t be all that bad but my boss was out of town and so his boss gave the assignment. Covering my boss, doing my own work and answering for all the operations of my department is obviously too much for me (which doesn�t suggest I could ever replace my boss). It�s not that I am bucking for his job but when he is done with it I wouldn�t mind a shot. I don�t want people to get it into their heads that I can�t do the job before I�m even completely trained on my own job. You can�t ever drive those kinds of thing out of their heads once it has settled in.

I am alone here at work today. While the rest of the company is off, I and a few of the maintenance guys are here. Someone decided that Tech support should be here to witness and that means me. It�s not all bad; I will have Tuesday off instead (although I must be on call in case of emergency.) I could be unemployed and wouldn�t that just put a crimp on my social life.

I�m really excited about Christmas. I have gotten a lot of really great (I think) presents for my Darling. I had to walk a fine line. While my finances are limited by my current debt I still have a little more disposable income than my Darling currently and so I had to be careful not to over spend. I wanted to give him wonderful gifts but within his budget not mine. I splurged a little for his birthday next month but I think I still stayed in boundaries. He got me such wonderful birthday presents I can�t wait to see what is in store for me.

We are planning to eat duck for Christmas dinner. He has never had duck and it�s been a pretty long time since I have indulged. I found a good recipe (I think) with a cornbread and apple stuffing. I might even set the dinning room table and everything (it�s been a long time since I whipped up a formal dinner. I have never been a dinner party kind of gal. It�s not that I wouldn�t love to through dinner parties it�s just that I don�t believe anyone would attend. I stopped throwing parties in college when it appeared that my friends merely tolerated my presence at other functions but eschewed my company in my own home. I prefer to attend other people�s functions. Lately I don�t even do much of that because of my discomfort in large groups of people and my non-drinking status which for some reason bothers some people to the extreme. Alcohol used to ease my discomfort in crowds but that is no longer an option so I either avoid them entirely or I have to gear up for the event. Put on my mask so to speak.

People don�t want to know you they want to entertain or be entertained by you (I am speaking in generalities and as it applies to groups not individuals). Parties are meant to entertain. I can be quite entertaining if I set my mind to it but I must set my mind to it. I would much rather bury myself in my home than turn on for the rest of the world. I understand that this is my perception but for me it is real. I have attempted in the past to unhide and have been greeted each time with hostility. I will stick to the mask thanks.

Oh, I almost forgot, My Darling and I did the south park character generator. They are at home so I will post them soon. That was so much fun, I�ll post the link to this site as well.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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