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2005-12-14 - 2:20 p.m. and counting

Time is ticking and I am most keenly aware of its passage. Almost monthly (and I imagine that it is not coincidental) I return to the problem like a squirrel working a nut. I rarely speak of it anymore because I am sure that people have grown tired of my lamentations but this month is different. My Darlings newest family member, as you might recall, pointed out to me last Christmas in no uncertain terms the potential issue my advanced age generates as it is applied to reproduction. Both the health risk to a pro decision and the limitation it places on my Darling if the answer is no. In all fairness to her, she meant well, no matter how insensitive it appeared to those who care for me and I take full responsibility for the little breakdown I experienced that night.

My sweetheart and I haven�t spoken about the topic of reproduction since, except in jest. I had thought to broach the topic after we moved into our new apartment but my Beaus termination from his decent paying job and subsequent unemployment period pushed all thoughts of that future from my mind. He has since been hired to a lesser paying position and although it is a good field he is entry level and must �pay his dues� before receiving a more reasonable wage. The idea of a family seems a pipe dream (and no I�m not interested in going it alone). So the holiday approaches once again and I am in the same place I was last year, unsure of my future (although I am certain I would like it to be with my Darling), emotionally strained and depressed in spite of my recent accomplishments.

Then there is the joking. He jokes about me being pregnant. If I say I�m tired or hungry (�you must be pregnant�), when I complain about my monthly cycle, (�you could get pregnant�), plenty of such references, enough that I have asked him outright if it is wishful thinking (no response).

I recently advised a friend that she needed to have a heart to heart with her ex whom she has been seeing lately about the expectations she maintains as to what she will and will not accept in their potential relationship. She knows it will change things one way or the other and she isn�t ready for it. I felt like a hypocrite. I know that I have to do the same thing with my Darling and I am resisting it for the same reason.

Of course, in my own defense, I have an added problem above and beyond hers. She at least knows what she wants, she just hasn�t voiced it. I�m still not sure what I want. My thoughts circle the equation:

(my age + college age)/his age x sleepless nights � all the things I won�t be able to give/do/see in my potential child�s life = ?

Let�s not forget the rising chances of mental deficiency in the child based on the age of the mother. I understand that one can always make a case for the �hit by a bus� theory used to illustrate the lack of predictability in such matters (these things happen to young women as well) but I am a student of statistics and the numbers are not in my favor.

I am intellectually certain that I should just let this go; my rational mind tells me that wanting a baby is irrational and possibly selfish. Still my emotional being and my human animal wants desperately to, I don�t know experience, give, love (selfish all of them) a child.

Every month I hope that the decision will be taken out of my hands. Like a child I wish that I would have an �accident� because I can�t rationalize consciously trying to have a baby at my age and in my financial situation.

And then there is him.

I think he secretly wishes the same and so we dance a little dance hoping and not speaking about it. He can no more ask it of me in light of his financial restrictions and my age than I can ask it of him considering my age and my job requirements (not very tolerant of maternity, requiring quite a bit of physical exertion). I hate this holding pattern I am in and every day I am closer to the deadline. It will be too late at some point not that far in the future.

I dismissed the idea of children when I was young because I wanted to follow my dream. I abandoned my dream when the going got too rough and I got lost in just getting by. I disappeared into self loathing because I couldn�t seem to bring any dream to fruition. When I crawled out it was nigh on too late to do anything but sit around and wait for the end. I�m not too old to experience a lot of activities in life, but when is it too late or irresponsibly to pursue the experience of creating a family?

I wish you Peace

~alison~


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