Alright, I admit it, I bought a tree. This makes me a willing participant in the Christmas Shuffle. I had abstained for a few years (unpleasant) with my ex and then last year (my first good Christmas in a long time) I went home with my Darling and met his family and then visited with my own. It was not the same as Christmas in my home. Of course I have a home now which means I have a place to realistically entertain if I am so inclined (I�m not sure that I am but it�s nice to have options.) I�m not sure I am ready for this.

The Holiday stirs a lot of crap under the best of circumstances and while this may in fact be the best of circumstances (or at the very least the best I have known in a very long time) I still have the feeling of impending doom that accompanied the Holidays when I was young. I love my Mother but she is both needy and insane (I�m talking clinically; I don�t lick it off the grass you know). I do not blame her, on top of this illness the home that she grew up in was far worse than I could ever imagine, but I am colored by my experience as surely as she is painted by hers.

Mom would lose it every year. Sometime in the two weeks before the day my Mother would have an emotional meltdown and one of us would bear the brunt of her storm. Later in life, when we really understood the dynamic, we would take turns being the one to push her over the edge. You see once she had erupted she would return to her dormant state and we could all (including my Mom) enjoy the season. I guess the reason I am sharing is because I am aware of the bubbling magma beneath my external calm and I wonder if I dare tempt the fates. With the tree comes expectations and subsequently there is a potential for disappointment. I�m tired of being disappointed. So tired, that I prefer not to try rather than invest in the season only to have it turn into the ghost of Christmas past. It�s this mindset that keeps me hesitant. But as I said above I did in fact buy a tree and this weekend I will decorate it. I will trust that I can survive and even thrive in the holiday lights.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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