It seems as though I am going to experience Birthweek (as my friend has dubbed it) in order to accommodate my friends. I will have three separate lunches at work (two larger groups and one single woman who prefers not to head out in a crowd), two dinners with friends and of course a night out with my Darling (who totally hit the mark in the gift department). All told I will be celebrating for five days.

As you get older, or more mature (or maybe it's just that you're just tired of it all) birthday celebrations tend to move from the bars to the restaurants. Partying all night long is replaced by nice dinner conversation and heading home by 10 pm (or in my case last night 8 pm). It's not a bad thing mind you; I don't have any desire to head back out into the world of loud music, alcohol and desperate souls seeking contact. I'm not claiming that is the definition of going out, I'm certain other people have different experiences or memories than I, but that is my perspective and I believe if I returned to that world that is what I would see and feel.

I am happy to have left that world behind me. I am content to fill my days with distractions and spend my non-working hours with activities that give me pleasure. I know that I must eventually get back inside my skin. This means I will need to turn my focus back to the only two paths I know to the union of mind-body-spirit that I enjoyed when I was in my early thirties, Martial Arts and running. I still wonder how fabulous I would have felt if I had experienced this "inside my own skin" feeling without dulling daily with alcohol. How will it feel now that I am free from addiction and properly medicated? Of course it is possible the feeling was an illusion or worse only attainable in youth meaning I wasted my only chance at living purely and completely. I don't believe that is true. I believe that whole living can be experienced at any age and I no longer wish to stumble along letting the days pass without notice.

Birthdays are a mile marker in life. A time to stop and reflect, where have I come from and where do I want to go next.

On the eve of my birthday I became incredibly depressed. I found myself crying quietly, tears rolling down my face, the television, unwatched, creating background noise as my mind punished me with thoughts of all my wasted days and the limits that sit an unknown period of time from today. I couldn't verbalize this emotion to my Love when he arrived home from work to find me teary eyed and frustrated seemingly, to him, over my defective internet router. I suspect he realized there was more to it but he allowed me to have that excuse and simply gave me love in the form of holding me and my first gift so appropriate to my thoughts.

My Daring gifted me with a Tibetan Singing Bowl. This type of brass bowl was supposedly used to grind herbs, a Tibetan mortar and pestle if you will. The secondary use was as a meditation device (as was everything to the Tibetan monks). This is how my Birthday began, first with tears followed by childish fascination with the singing bowl.

The way to make the bowl sing is to rub the pestle around the outside edge of the bowl creating a vibration first felt in the hand holding the bowl and then heard in the form of a low hum.

The vibration grows until the bowl eventually strikes the pestle creating a high tone similar to brass bells. The two tones create a third resonate tone. You can see why the Monks, (and I) were so attracted to it.

The rest of my presents were also quite appropriate, a bakers dozen of roses (twelve real ones and a crystal rose to keep long after the live ones are dried) and a art picture of the Chinese symbol for tranquility. I believe we will hang it in the bedroom.

Generally speaking my life is good but I would like to make it better by paying more attention and appreciating the moments.

My NaNoWriMo word count has fallen severely behind but I am not giving up yet. I will find time this weekend to pound away and see if I can at least catch up to the pace (a mere 13,000 words or so if you account for my holiday trip and subsequent separation from my computer). I could write by hand but I don't think my wrist could take it, still we shall see.

It's a beautiful day in Southern California where unlike the snowy Midwest and higher elevations we are experiencing the warm Santa Anna winds returning the feeling of summer just days before Thanksgiving. No wonder barbeques and deep fried turkeys are the popular form of celebration out here. It is the first official weekend of the desert season so perhaps I might get some nibbles on my RV as folks suffer the problems with their old units and look to upgrade. Wish me luck with that, I really need it.

From the other side of a wonderful birthday and halfway through my birthweek...

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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