I am still sitting behind the pace in my word count but today is a day off so I expect to spend quite a bit of time catching up. I still haven't made up my mind where exactly I am going with it but I figure the story will unfold if I just let the characters tell me their story.

I am fast approaching my 42 birthday and it s stirring up all sorts of feelings. I suppose this time of year is when I most feel the gap between mine and my Beau's generation. To be honest there is an entire generation (Generation X) between us. I am one of the last of the baby boomers having been born in 1963 where as my Darling is clearly Generation Y having been born in 1978. Under normal circumstances and as a day to day experience I don't feel particularly older than him. Since I have thus far abstained from parenting I don't have the inevitable yardstick of growing children to measure my growth. I am, in fact, frozen in my twenties in many ways. Not only am I young looking for my age, I am young in my actions. Add to that the fact that because of the above conditions most people treat me as though I am in my late twenties or early thirties and you will see where my perspective comes from. All that aside I really am 42 years old with all the time in and history that entails.

Last year at this time I was struggling through a messy divorce. I had given up on completing my novel despite the 15,000 words I had already set to paper in part because my heart just wasn�t in it. I didn�t want to write about a person devoid of personal responsibility or human empathy while dealing with a person missing that and a few other components of acceptable human behavior. He broke my heart and battered my soul over and over again last year. Of course that was then and this is now. I considered myself lucky even then to have found someone, no matter how much younger, whose gentle ministrations helped me to heal my broken spirit.

By Christmas I was legally free and contemplating a real future with this young man I had grown so attached to. I felt so much love and respect for him I actually considered the possibility of having a child with him. I agonized here and to my friends for months until I finally decided to speak to my Love about it. Mere weeks before my planned confession my Darling lost his job and the ensuing instability placed any discussion of future reproduction firmly on the back burner.

Now here I sit on practically the eve of my 42nd birthday and I wonder if in fact it is too late for me. Must I give up forever the idea of being a parent? Adoption is not likely for me, I will probably never be flush again and my mental illness doesn�t exactly make me a good candidate in social services eyes. This means that personal reproduction would be my only avenue to parenthood. I wonder if I really want it, after all parenting is a life sentence, no matter what they do or who they become they will forever be your child and that comes with all sorts of built in pain even under the best of circumstances. I wonder if I could safely carry a child and if they would have all the normal physical body parts and mental capabilities. Mental deficiency doesn�t negate human worth but do I chance it, am I willing to take on that possibility in order to parent? What about him? Does my Darling secretly want a family but sits uncomfortable about talking about it the same as me? So many questions and no answers.

When I was a child I thought there would come a time when this would all get just a little easier. Not only didn�t it get easier it actually got harder.

*Sigh*

I will probably just return to my life in a few days pushing away any thoughts of what I am quickly losing and resign myself to the life I created.

In the rant department I have this to say. Due to my broken wrist and subsequent inability to make my mark I waited until April of this year to change my license back to my maiden name. This action evidently threw a monkey wrench into the California DMV system. Not only did my car registration elapse unnoticed by me or indicated by the DMV in the form of a renewal notice but the change of address form I dutifully sent to the address provided somehow went astray leaving me similarly in the dark as to my impending expiration of my current license. Had I not been accidentally pulled over by one of Oceanside�s finest I would have allowed the license to lapse and possibly incurred severe penalties because of it.

After the officer had pointed out the expiration deadline fast approaching I immediately called the CA DMV to determine my choice of actions. While I was eligible for renewal by mail or internet because I did not receive the notice I did not have the requisite RIN number to use the online service and by mail I would be dependent on the USPS and DMV processing to receive my new license possibly leaving me with an expired card for an unknown length of time. This left the local DMV office as my most reliable option. I did not, however, wish to have a new picture taken (a requirement along with a new eye exam and the possibility of being required to retake the written drivers test) for two reasons. One is that I really like the picture currently on my license (see below) and two because at the moment I have a seriously ugly thing growing next to my mouth and I do not want that recorded for the next ten or fifteen years for all the world to see every time I make a purchase or board a plane. Call me shallow but that is the way I feel. The good news was that the woman on the phone assured me all I need do is fill out the �renew by mail� form at the local DMV, pay my fee and be on my way. Thus reassured I lagged at getting to the office having more than enough time to accomplish that before the deadline.

Here is where the real rant begins. I enter the DMV and walk to the information window where they assign you a number and give you the forms and I ask for the form the women on the phone indicated. The unhappy women seated at said window informs me in no uncertain terms that I must instead fill out the normal forms, take the eye test, written test and *Gasp* retake my photo. I calmly inform her that the woman on the phone had told me different to which she responds �well she was wrong, this is the only way to renew here�. I then point out the rather large and incredibly unattractive growth on my face and beg to be exempt from retaking a photo only to have my pleas dismissed out of hand. I asked for the 800 number thinking to bring the main offices into the engagement but all she had available were numbers for automated systems. After attempting to reach a human being at each number I returned to the sour faced woman and requested a number directly to a human being. Her response was to foist me off on another woman who repeated the same litany leaving me bordering on the edge of tears of frustration. Yet again I had followed all the proper rules and through a series of mistakes outside of my control I was being punished with the curse of the ugly photo.

I was left with two options. The second woman was able to locate the form phone lady had indicated but told me I must mail it to Sacramento and chance a period of time without a valid license in hand. Or I could renew at the local office obtaining a temporary paper license but requiring a new photograph complete with aformentioned growth be taken.

Color me vain but I opted for the mail in option. It really is a good picture for a drivers license, look:

Can you really blame me?

Here�s the thing though. Why couldn�t I just call up give them my debit number and renew by phone? That would be no more insecure than sending in a paper form with my check and receiving the DL by mail. After all I got the form at the office not through the mail so they can�t really be sure that it�s me now can they? They need to get with the program. Weeks and weeks to process licenses is just ridiculous, this is the computer age.

Anyway,wish me luck . I am gambling on not being stopped during the lag between receipt of my form and payment at the DMV and the delivery of my new license complete with attractive identification photo.

Man, if this were in my novel I would be another 1500 words closer to my prize. Gotta get back to it, see you later.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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