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2005-08-21 - 9:19 p.m.

The sun is shining outside and I sit at the computer with my shades closed. I think about cleaning the refrigerator or going grocery shopping but I don�t want to do those things. I spent an hour by the pool sunning myself but being in public really just reminds me how much distance I perceive between myself and the rest of the world. Yesterday I was supposed to have dinner with two friends. I thought about it briefly in the morning when I woke and then forgot about it later on. When I woke this morning I realized that I had completely forgotten the date. Here is the thing though. These two friends neither called prior to yesterday to confirm the dinner nor called late yesterday to complain about my forgetfulness. I suppose I was the one who was supposed to set it all up but I didn�t and so no one else did. I used to feel guilty about such failures on my part but no more. I don�t want to be the one who makes it happen. I also won�t accept blame when it does not happen. I am finally coming to terms with the idea that I am not responsible for holding everything together. Exit the peacemaker, enter�what?

Did you ever have an overwhelming desire to simply get into your car and just drive? No destination in mind, no plan, just driving? I am conscious that what I am experiencing is a desire to run away from my life, my self and that it is impossible to escape me.

I keep thinking about the pictures of Alcatraz, reoccurring images, placeholders and that place makes me ill.

I have been experiencing moments of�I don�t know, what is the opposite of clarity? According to Word the antonym of clarity is ambiguity but perhaps vagueness is more accurate. I feel vague, like my brain is not quite turned on, constriction of power, faulty ground maybe? The duration of the events is short and the intensity varies but I�m beginning to think it is not just my imagination or some strange side effect of my medication. Still I would feel silly going to the doctor complaining of vagueness. I could call the shrink and tell him but I suspect he will simply offer more medication. I don�t feel sick just, well, um fuzzy, and my mood ain�t great either. I feel ok right now so, well, nothing to do but wait and see what happens.

Tomorrow I go back to work.

I wish you Peace

~alison~


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