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2005-08-21 - 1:03 a.m.

It�s after midnight and the voices from the complex bounce off the buildings making it impossible to determine where they are coming from. It�s not so much that I begrudge them socialization it is, after all, Saturday night and there was a time when I myself might be overly loud at this time my sense of volume severely impaired by the amount of liquor I had consumed. This is assuming of course I were not already passed out by now. How radically our worlds can change.

In what often seems like a moment I have traded my old life for a new one; better in some ways and in others simply different. Before the days of drunken haze I had many a night such as this. Most of the time there were no voices to reassure me that I was not alone. I am torn between a desire to call the security guard and have him shush them and simply taking comfort in the company. They, of course, are blissfully unaware of my presence so in some ways I am an auditory voyeur. My past eavesdropping hasn�t enlightened me any because it seems that drunks don�t have much of value to share. Additionally random road noise contributes to my personal symphony of the night; folks traveling from here to there likewise oblivious to my sleepless vigil.

Something occurred to me tonight and I�m not certain how I feel about it. While I am in possession of a considerable amount of kitchenware the majority of the household belongs to my Beau. It made consolidation of our households less complicated but it places me at a severe disadvantage if for any reason we are not able to sustain this relationship. I had a picture of myself on the sidewalk surrounded by small kitchen appliances, pots and pans and a dresser while sitting desolately on an over packed suitcase contemplating what to do next. This is not a likely future but still the picture gives me pause. After all I am not a youth, with more than forty years under my belt you would think I would have more to show for it than a few kitchen gadgets and the clothes on my back. In the midst of searching for my worth I have found that if I add up what I own and subtract what I owe I am sitting somewhere close to zero (and the difference is to the negative value). I realize that I sit here as a result of the choices I have made and through no fault of any other but still I can�t help but wonder. How did I get here and how do I proceed. I have been waking each day and going about the motions of living. So far this representation of life has been accepted by those around me as the real thing but someday they may figure things out and I could find myself sitting on luggage wondering how I came to be there and how I should proceed. My life is peppered with moments such as this, repetitive actions that bring about the same result. If I recall correctly this is the definition of insanity. Once again where ever I go, there I am dragging my kitchen stuff behind me.

I wish you Peace

~alison~


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Darkness - 2013-04-18

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