Its afternoon and this is the first moment I have had to collect my thoughts. Since rising this morning (after enjoying an extra half hour of slumber due to a physical therapy appointment) I have moved smoothly from one activity to another so as to accelerate time in a most pleasant way. Now I sit within an hour of leaving work to return to my cave.

It has occurred to me that I can not remember the last time I took time off of work as a �vacation�. I have used PTO days for surgeries and I went home for Christmas (which does not count as a vacation because the distance traveled and the stress of meeting my Darlings family and visiting my own negate any vacation value). The last �vacation� was my trip north last year to visit San Francisco and my good friend Zuzu. Because my time was severely limited even this wonderful trip felt rushed rather than relaxing. Before that, honestly I don�t remember, Thanksgiving 2001?

My mind keeps creeping back to the idea that I need to sit and contemplate. Maybe what I need to do is simply sit and be still. I, of all people, know the value of being still. Physical stillness is the beginning of mental stillness. Mental stillness is the beginning of spiritual stillness. And spiritual stillness is peace. I know the way I just can�t stop long enough to get there. That isn�t completely true. I used the word �can�t� but truly I should use the word �haven�t�. I simply haven�t taken the time I need to decompress. Every day off that I have taken since September of last year has been spent in high stress activities, divorce proceedings, family visits, surgical procedures, instead of time by the pool sipping drinks with little umbrellas. (I�m not really interested in the drink just the time lazing around the pool ~ I don�t even need the pool just the lazing around will do.) Time off for me never works out to time off its really just time I am not getting paid to work, I am just as busy.

So this brings me back to the idea of contemplation. My Darling will not receive a vacation anytime soon as he is temp. to hire and though the hire is likely it will come at the end of the temp contract and vacation time will most likely take months to accumulate. I have more than two weeks accumulated and will be up to more than three weeks by the end of the year. There will be no holiday trip this year and although we are hoping to take a few local weekend trips into the wilderness the future looks fairly vacationless for us. I, however, may take a short vacation. Whether I will actually go elsewhere or simply lounge about home is still under consideration but I believe I am in desperate need of some stillness.

As a temporary (bandaid) fix I am hoping to orchestrate a bath this evening after the laundry is done (maybe even instead of doing laundry). I don�t think this will change anything in my life but perhaps my tolerance of existence will improve slightly. Never underestimate the relaxing power of hot water and bubbles, Calgon take me away!

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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