Isn�t it funny how ideas bounce around in our brains until they must spill out somehow, somewhere? I read about other people�s quest for understanding. Young and old we all seek to find that all encompassing reason for living. What do you do when you have explored all that you can find and have concluded that it is all pointless? I have tried so hard over the past few years to find some meaning in my life but in the end it seems that there is no meaning. I don�t like my life, I don�t like myself in my life and I am just too tired of it all. Atheist virtues, rebellion, conformity, it�s all without meaning. It doesn�t matter what you do it�s just a temporary flick of a cosmic moment. I don�t believe one person can change the world but you are welcome to try if it makes you feel better. I don�t believe in God but I won�t fault anyone who gets through the day hanging onto their faith that I am wrong. I thought if I could just get through these couple of days, couple of weeks, couple of years, things might just settle down a little and I could breathe again. I figured out what my problem is; it is me. I am the common denominator to all my problems. I have identified several flaws to my person but I can�t seem to weed them out.

I believe I am afraid of change. I know that sounds strange because if you know my history you know that I have spent my life making changes. I have changed careers more than I would like to admit to the detriment of my success. I have changed geography a great deal in the past 7 years. I have changed friends, significant other, gave up smoking and drinking and sent away my pets in the past two years. You would think I LOVED change by looking at my life but you would be wrong. I am looking for some way to settle. I hate that I can�t find something that stays. I want something that I can hold onto. I am awash in a sea of change looking to find a handhold so as to keep my head above water and rest for a little while.

When I was a child I received a sock doll from my Grandmother (it was my fathers as a child). From what I understand I named the doll Crybaby because when I was sad I would cry on the doll and he would take all my tears away. I was absolutely heartbroken when a neighborhood dog stole the doll from my wagon and was inconsolable until my mother replaced it with duplicate she fashioned from memory. All total I have owned 4 crybabies. The current incarnation has not comforted me so much as reminded me that there was a time when I could be comforted.

When we are children we have dolls, blankets or toys that give us comfort. As teenagers we have dreams of a future adulthood where we can make a difference in the world, where we will be different. As young adults we believe that we can at least make a difference in our own lives, we can change. Trouble is �where ever you go, there you are�. I would like to change and for whatever reason, I can�t. It must be that I fear change. That is all I can think, because other wise why would I hang on so tightly to a self that is so bad for me that it makes me sick. There is nothing about me that I like anymore, no virtue that I feel I can hang on to for solace. I have nothing to hold onto to give me comfort. The crybaby can�t take away my tears, my dreams are dead, and I can�t even change my littlest flaws let alone the huge defects of personality responsible for so much pain in my life. Every day just serves to remind me that the only changes I can look forward to are more disasters, more fires that need to be put out. Even the good things don�t give me peace, right now I should be happy and I am not. Why can�t I be happy? What is wrong with me?

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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