A new world of wonders and miracles faces me. Darling has accepted the position as entry Calibration Tech. It is less than he was making but the position holds better future opportunity for growth and advancement with this company or another. The decision was not mine to make and I did not make it. He was concerned about the effect opposing shifts would have on our relationship but he chose based on what was right for him and trusted that we would find our way.

In every way he is the antithesis of the other. A friend made the comment that she wished she could �smack� the other right out of me because I can�t seem to talk of one without the other. I know that he will always be a part of me because he affected me as much as any other human interaction I have had. His wasn�t the worst rejection either; before he took over my attention I had a long term friend who simply and completely discontinued our friendship. I was neither consulted nor officially informed of this development she was just no longer available to me. While this was not a �relationship� it still was the closest I had ever been to someone before my marriage and the first real betrayal I had experienced. We had grown up together and I had helped her through a failed engagement, her wedding, marriage and a nervous breakdown. Then one day I was simply person non-gratis. My friendship with her colors all the friendships I have had since then. I don�t allow myself to get that involved in another�s life the way I did before. I don�t do without so I can take care of my friend and I don�t expect such things in return. I select my friends, in fact, based on their ability to be without contact from me when I can not function and still be my friend when I finally rejoin the world. In return I offer them the same courtesy. Life sucks us in sometimes to the exclusion of everything and that doesn�t mean that our feelings for someone changes it just means there are other issues that must take precedence.

Whoops, got away from those wonders and miracles�I think that this opposing work shift may work in our favor. While I enjoy his company I feel guilty about writing when he is around. When I read or watch a movie I can be near him and enjoy the aura of his presence but writing is something I do alone. I think part of the problem is the other too. I have a habit of feeling wrong if I am not giving enough attention to my significant other (what is enough attention? I wish I knew.) This new arrangement will give me evenings to indulge in words. I can revisit the joys of physical activity (like running and martial arts outside of my class). I would if left to my own devices eat later and more lightly so I could run and workout after work. Since moving in with my Darling I dine early and then we watch a movie or read till bedtime (not bad of course, but again not necessarily what I would do if I were on my own in the evenings). So for me the wonder and miracle is all the time I now have to explore, well, me. The alone me I can be and hopefully can transfer into the couple me.

It is exciting to conjure up activities I might explore during the large chunk of time soon to be mine all mine. Both my darling and I will have hour lunches (mine at noonish and his at sevenish?) so we can still have meals together (mini dates) like we used to meet for lunch when we first started seeing each other. And of course the weekends will be reserved for us. All nasty chores (like laundry and housecleaning) will be accomplished during the week leaving the weekends free to be constructive and fun.

I will kiss him goodbye in the morning as I head off to work (as I have been) and he will kiss me awake at night when he gets home. I have so much respect for him right now because he is doing what he loves even though it means that our relationship will be affected (not the same way Mr. I-should-be-the-center-of-your-world used to do what he loved, or who he loved I should say, regardless of our marriage) but not making me the responsible party. He makes his choices, not me, and he lives with his choices and doesn�t expect me to take the blame for the outcome. I must live with his choices as well but in return he must live with mine and so there is a fair give and take.

So much change, how will I do with it? I�ll survive, maybe even thrive, but no matter, life goes on without me.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

�