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2005-07-19 - 2:39 p.m.

My Dad is fine. He has been taken off the blood thinners and like millions of others he will need to take medication to control the fibrillation. Not by any means the end of the world or the end of him. He should go home tomorrow.

I have a semi go ahead to try biking. My Beau is concerned that I won�t be able to grip the handlebars strong enough or long enough. The PT says I need to try it out on a gentle course and see how it goes. I think at this point it has been so long my legs are likely to give out before my hand does. I think I will try pedaling around the complex this week.

I just got the call; my new speedometer cable is in. I will pick it up tonight and install it tomorrow. I found a place to test and potential fix my gauges but it is in Michigan (my Beaus hometown actually) and I am hesitant to send it all the way there because I don�t know when (or if) I will get it back. Right now things don�t work completely but it is still saleable as is. I have a few more small repairs and then I will place it on the market. With luck it will sell quickly (we will soon be in desert season so it should).

Now here is a little weird thing. I find myself wondering about my ex. I haven�t heard tale of him since the missing girlfriend sighting. As the story goes, he showed up at the center and appeared to be looking for something/someone. He exchanged awkward greetings with mutual acquaintances and quickly left. This was at least two months ago, since then nothing. Now don�t get me wrong I don�t want to see him and I don�t have any feelings for him (frankly I am a little embarrassed I ever loved him), but I have this overwhelming curiosity as to his current situation. Of course I don�t want him to be happy (and thus my ickyness is revealed) I want to know that the misery of my life with him was because of him and not because of me. The reality is more likely that we share the blame but I want it to be MORE his fault than mine (see how I neatly sweep the blame from my porch). I also want the woman he is with to be miserable as well. I want this woman who proclaimed her deep respect and undying admiration for me and then proceeded to carry on an affair with my husband all the while claiming my friendship (can you say icky-people?) to be horribly unhappy. Aren�t I allowed to be angry at the man who cheated and the alleged friend who participated? I realize that for them I am and will forever be the bad guy (she once called me a raging bitch � ME!) I am not perfect by any means, and right now my ick is showing, but raging B? Yeah no. Still I have this curiosity but I don�t want to become the cat so I will let it go.

Someday perhaps this last addiction of mine will go the way of the other two. All three are no longer active but this is the one that still troubles me, still looms it head to torture me with a past life. I do not hear the call of the weed or the bottle but still my past loving indiscretion haunts me as surely as a wraith. Perhaps I am in need of an exorcism? Anyway, if you see my ex tell him I am happy with my new life. It wouldn�t hurt to tell me he looks miserable � Oh my ick!

I wish you Peace

~alison~


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