Today is the day. Today I will receive the keys to my new palace, my refuge, my home. All in all I am looking forward to settling in to my new space. It has been a long time since I have moved. In my RV I changed location quite a bit but I never �moved� I just took my house with me where ever I went. Living in limbo for the past year (I can�t say exactly what day last year I stopped going home and started living at my Beaus but I think it is around a year) has only been an issue on and off but the desire to share the space rather than intrude on someone else�s space (albeit invited) has become overwhelming and my only fear is that it will be anti climactic. I am capable of creating and entire disaster in my mind and there is a tsunami gaining momentum in my head as we speak. I am not certain if it is healthy or unhealthy to express my fears but it seems I will feel them regardless and putting them down on paper allows me to let go of them somewhat so please indulge me.

1) I am afraid that everything will change.

It has been my experience that the more closely you tie your means to another the less they bother to be considerate and loving. The expectation seems to be that you have to �take them as they are� because you are tied down. The respect that is such a large part of the untied relationship dissipates, lifting like an early morning fog and the harsh sunlight that remains beats down on you relentlessly. You have no shade, no escape, you are in the desert of coupledom and it�s a long, deadly walk out.

2) I am afraid nothing will change.

One of the reasons for this move is to equalize our responsibility and rights within our living space. Up to now there has been a natural �your house, your rules� flavor about our living arrangement, tempered by a �make yourself at home� of course, but still. What if I have already bent too far and there is no going back to a more equal status. I take responsibility for not expressing my personal issues more but my parents taught me �when in Rome� so I defer to the �rules of the house� regardless of the relationship. I am as deferential to my friends as I am to my Darling. What if I still feel like a guest?

3) What if he can�t make the rent?

He is frugal and actively, aggressively job hunting. I can�t say he isn�t doing everything he can to step up to the plate but I fear that he will run out of money before he has found a job. I am picking up the little things. He picks up basic groceries but the extras (like steak or specialty items) and rental movies have become my expense. He doesn�t ask or expect me to fund these things and in the past he almost always rented the movies and purchased all the groceries (in fact I had to fight to pay a fraction of my share) so it�s not like he is taking advantage but these things happen in increments. How does one end up in a bad relationship? One doesn�t choose a bad relationship a good thing morphs over time into something bad. Baby steps and �one day at a time� will carry you through breaking an addiction but it is also the same path to addiction and destruction. No one dreams of or chooses to become an alcoholic; you get there one drink at a time. No one chooses to enter an abusive relationship it grows on you like mold. How will I know if we cross the line?

4) What if he can�t make the rent?

The other side of the coin could be that he will decide he can�t make it here and want to move back home. He has already admitted that if it weren�t for our relationship this event would have sent him home already. If he decides that he is not capable of surviving here will he leave and will he ask me to decide between him and my life here?

Blech! (it should be a word if it is not).

I really can build mountains from molehills can�t I? These are the fears and questions the voices are whispering in my head. I try and distract the committee with tasks both at work and at home but I can hear them murmuring just under my consciousness. I am setting them free here. Think of this like shining the light in the closet to assure my inner child that there is no slathering monster hiding there and it is just the imaginings of an over active mind. Rein it in child, the horse must precede the cart and you mustn�t let it run away with you.

She is doubtful, this child of mine, but though she pouts and cries I will not allow her manic/depressive nature to paint broad strokes across my subtle picture. Broad strokes evoke strong emotions and though it may be exciting on the wall of a gallery I much prefer to live in a more tranquil work of art. Tiny dots make a masterpiece.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

�