Today
Yesterday
Diaryland

 photo Asian-Banner.gif

2005-06-10 - 11:34 a.m.

There is a beast inside me.

It slobbers and drools and waits for me to feel fear and then it feeds. It feeds on my worries and empties my soul of all that is good and true leaving the OCD, Bipolar, Co-Dependent mess that I packed away during healthier times.

I try not to actively feed the beast but I can always hear it breathing. I can feel the warm acrid breath on the back of my neck. What makes me mindful me of the beast today is that I feel like I am bearing witness as another soul feeds a beast. From my perspective it appears that the beast is gorging itself on the obsession and fear once born of love. It has warped this man into a self-perceived warden of an insane asylum and he is unaware that he is one of the patients.

Trouble for me is I don�t know how not to feed the beast. Even as I stand outside and witness I am aware that my response to him feeds my beast. Every day I seem to throw it a scrap or a bone, just enough to keep it alive and though I hate myself for it, still I continue.

Who am I to judge?

I am damaged, like everybody else. I can see the whys, I can always understand, what I can not do is suggest a better way because I don�t know the answer. I see a �truth� but I am not sure that I have the truth.

What if I am wrong?

What if the �wisdom� I impart is actually a recipe for disaster? Why do I even open my mouth? I am becoming quite good at biting my tongue. I am learning that most of the time no one cares what you think and won�t listen to you even if they ask for your advice let alone if you offer it unsolicited. Also, at least half the time I am absolutely wrong. My life is by no means a shining example of how to live; in fact, it could be a textbook on what not to do.

And yet I still find myself standing here with the words from my mouth still floating in the air wishing that I could suck them back into my mouth and all could forget they were ever said. It is none of my business. I could apologize but there is no unsaying what has been said. I often dream of running away and hiding out. I wish that I could live my life completely on the other side of the electronic universe connecting only through the keyboard but alas, that would not save me from hoof and mouth disease as my actions today exemplify.

I need to detach for a while�too much stuff and I am focusing on the outside when there is too much inside to deal with. I council on detaching with love and then obsess in my own relationship.

Oh, Wilderness!

I will take my own advice and walk away.

Forgive me.

I wish you Peace

~alison~


Leave a note:

to leave a note you need to be logged in



- - 2013-08-16

Darkness - 2013-04-18

Too much - 2013-04-09

Skip - 2013-03-03

- - 2013-02-07


earlier - later

about me - read my profile! read other DiaryLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get your own fun + free diary 

at DiaryLand.com!