It�s a strange, yet familiar place to be. I know what I need to do but I am hesitant to do it. I am a creature that picks up the vibrations around me. I can not be in certain social situations (like funerals and certain crowded celebrations) because I experience emotional overload. My Darling is suffering which is to be expected. It is not his fault that I channel other people�s pain into my core blocking out any personal feelings I might generate on my own. Since this is what I do, and I know it, I must detach somewhat from the situation. The difficulty lies in detaching without abandoning. I accomplished a little detachment this weekend by thrift store shopping. I am in search of a dresser for the new apartment so that I will truly occupy the new space and not be an afterthought the way I feel right now. I find myself thinking too much about him and what he is doing, feeling, experiencing to the detriment of my own being. I am also in the throes of the raging female hormonal system (I hate being female) making me particularly susceptible to depression.

So what I need to do is take care of me. In typical female fashion I am the last person on my priority list of things to take care of. My work, family and loved ones take precedence and in this case my complete inability to help leaves me sitting spinning my wheels wondering what to do. Of course there is nothing I can do and truly the best gift I can give him right now is to take care of me. One of his concerns is that I am worrying about things. I can not stop worrying but I can live my own life in the manner I choose to and not let his coping mechanisms (or lack thereof) become mine. I sometimes feel like a chameleon changing to suit my environment.

This is my philosophy of life. Life is what it is, I can�t change it. I will survive regardless of the outcome (and if I do not why then no matter). I must place my focus on the things I can control, my outlook and reaction to the events around me. I choose how I feel and I must choose to focus on the positive in my life (for you religious folk call it �counting my blessings�).

1.) I do not smoke; I choose not to hide behind the smoke-screen.
2.) I am not sitting in my room hiding in the bottle. I need no liquid courage or self medication.
3.) I am getting on with my life and leaving behind the last remnants of my disastrous marriage (RV, etc.)
4.) I have recovered a great deal of mobility in my damaged wrist and I am only halfway through my physical therapy.
5.) Now that my wrist is healing I have begun to reconnect with my inner martial artist. I often forget how calming it is for my spirit.
6.) I have also resolved to take better physical care of myself. I have been unhappy with the changes since my injury and now that I am recovered (mostly) I have rededicated myself to feeding my body what it needs (foods, exercise and meditation).
7.) I have numerous friends who council me and love me even as I flail around like a fish suddenly cast upon the deck of a fishing boat. I have not really left the water I am simply holding my own breath. I will exhale.

This, like everything else, is temporary and I must not give it anymore power over my emotional well being. Life will go on and I will go on with it. Win, lose, or draw tomorrow will always be another day and when the days stop there will be peace. Until then I will persevere.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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