After it is all said and done what will be the result?

I find myself doing it again. Periodically I am wrenched away from my commonplace day to day to contemplate the mysteries of existence. Most days it is enough to simply go to work, come home, relax, make love and drift off to sleep but then there are those other days when my mind returns, like a little squirrel working a tough nut, to the questions of the mind, reality and perception. What are we? What is the nature of existence? What is the underlying, driving force of reality and how can I perceive what is or is not real.

I once thought I could see Brownian motion (sometimes I still do). At times I am overwhelmingly aware of the energetic nature of the universe and feel as though I am humming with atomic interaction. I am also mentally ill so I must always temper my perceptions with the knowledge that I am susceptible to delusions. But what if I am not deluded? There are people out there who believe they hear the voice of God. Is hearing the energetic song of the universe any different?

I can�t see how this benefits me though. I fall into the hole chasing the rabbit and find myself alone. There is no one to talk to, no one who cares about the underlying nature of the universe in my world. These people exist but they are so much more intelligent than me and so very far away from my experience that I couldn�t even contemplate interaction with them.

I feel caged by my existence, a walking ghost of a person with nary a grain of purpose in my life, going through the motions of living. And soon enough I will die, never knowing anything but the frustration of being excruciatingly alone. I love the people I have been fortunate enough to know in my life. I appreciate their friendships and company. I forgive all those who caused me pain because I know this existence is difficult and we are all captives of the personality we create, the mechanisms for survival that begin at birth and grow over time beyond even our own perception. They are the clouded glass we view the world through and we shall never wipe away the grime of survival to observe reality unbiased in truth. I understand all this and still I feel alone.

Tonight I will probably do the dishes, maybe I will read a book. Perhaps I will lose myself in a movie. Anything to distract my groping mind from all the questions I have no business contemplating and have no hope of discerning the answers. Then I will crawl into bed, make passionate love with my Darling and then lie awake listening to him breathe softly wondering if I will ever be able to just live my life. I torture myself with thoughts of why, how, when and what.

Why are we here?

How did we come to be here?

When will it end?

And what will happen next?

I have no answers and I know I should just let it alone but these questions lie in wait for me like ravenous predators. They wait silently, stalking me, looking for a lull in my happy illusion and then they pounce, devouring my soul and ripping away any sense of solidity I have manufactured in my mind.

Einstein�s quantum theory theorized that everything comes from nothing and is continuing to come and go sub-atomically in and out of our perception. Every day I am sharing electrons with the world around me and we are all connected by infinitesimal threads stitching this universe together at its most basic level. You and I are sharing energy by virtue of our common existence, action at a distance, six degrees of separation, swimming in the same ethereal atomic soup. I just can�t get that out of my head.

What if we are just the tip of the iceberg?

What if there are a million levels of existence and we occupy one sliver of what is?

What does it matter?

Why can�t just being be enough for me?

Why can�t I just let it alone?

What am I going to do with myself?

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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