Everybody breathe a deep sigh of relief with me. No the verdict is not in, but my Beau has come to some terms with things and is taking steps to make changes regardless of the outcome. He isn�t feeling sorry for himself anymore (or if he is he is not showing it to me.) How strange it feels to know that I want him to lie to me. There is a song from, Arrrrggg, I can�t remember the singer, wait I�m going to google�Sheryl Crow!!

I swear most performers are bipolar. I have always had an affinity for this song in some ways because I have always felt as though I was hard to love. I don�t rage so much as I simply fall apart but usually quietly and alone in the night while everyone else sleeps.

Over the past year I have stumbled and fallen through the days and my Dearheart has held my hand and kept me from hurting myself too much. He has been my rock. Now he is in need and the truth is I want him to lie to me. I don�t want him to open up and show me his vulnerable side I want him to pretend to be strong (the way I pretended for so many years). I am afraid of sliding back into old patterns. I need him to lie to me so I can continue to lean on him. How selfish am I really? Why do I expect the support to be one way? I guess what I most fear is that I have more affect on him than I really do. As if I could turn a perfectly good man into a couch that burps. It�s as if in my mind that adversity + his self-pity + me + my pretend strength = BURP!

Of course I will support him I just won�t support him.

I will soon be moving and the amount of packing required is still huge in spite of my new found ability to �throw it away�. If I�m not sure �throw it away�. If I haven�t used it in a year �throw it away�. If I don�t know what it is �throw it away�. Feels good to let go of it, less really is more (moving sucks).

I just read a review of my new place that suggests they had a raw sewage incident last year. Of course it was one review and they may have been disgruntled. *Sigh* doesn�t matter though, I have signed a lease.

Life is improving though and for that I am grateful.

Yesterday my good friend Sandi asked me to remember one of my favorite sayings�

�life sucks and then you die?� I replied.

�Not that one, the other one�

�Oh�This is temporary.�

To the temporal nature of existence I say THBPBPTHPT!

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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