This weekend was horrible. I am still sick from it. I am currently packing to move my RV out of my site and into storage which entails grinding my way though stuff that brings back both good and bad memories and I can�t decide which is more painful. Add to the mix that my cat of 6 years (whom I was trying to place in a new home) has run away from the adoptive home and has been missing now for five days. I must eventually put my last kitty to sleep as his illness is incapacitating and I can not fine a home for him the thought of which makes my heart ache. Last and by no means least I sit waiting on pins and needles for the news from my Sweetheart as to whether he is still employed and if so with what penalties for his poor judgment.

When it rains�.

It is funny how it is times like this that I most wish I could implore someone (a God perhaps) for strength and a good outcome. The trouble with that idea is that belief does not mean assistance. My father (a preacher in his church) reminds me constantly that while you may ask, God�s answer is often no. It is for your own good, he claims, a lesson in perseverance. How much perseverance must I have? When will I finally have a little long term peace? If faith is no guarantee of peace then what�s the point?

I grow tired of it all, I try not to be overly dramatic but for God�s sake when will it be over. It reminds me of a play I did when I was young. I didn�t really understand it (and the lead character is quite narcissistic) but I embrace the title as my place in this universe today. �Stop the Word I Want to Get Off�.

I sit here at my desk feeling as though I will throw up at any moment. I can�t really focus on my job and I must put up a front to all around me (which is exhausting all by itself). I hide so much it feels as though my chest will burst.

My Darling is understandably upset. He was miserable all weekend (sending someone home on Friday to await judgment is somewhat cruel I think) because he doesn�t know what will happen and he is convinced that he will be fired for a joke. It was a poor jest for the workplace and there is every chance he will be fired, it just depends on how well his co-workers defend him and how much his work is valued. He is a good man, but it could go either way.

For me it was a return to the misery I remember from that other life. I was encouraged that he didn�t get drunk. It is not uncommon for non-alcoholics to drink over trauma but it would have been really, really hard to not lose my mind if misery, drunkenness and potential loss of his income was all in the mix. I don�t want to support another man, I love him but truthfully I experienced a panic and a desire to �run for the hills�. It passed and I am counting on him to be a man. I love that I am the woman and he is the man and I want him to tell me that everything will be alright. I realize that is chauvinistic but I can�t help it. I was the support structure for too long and I need him to be strong. I can�t be strong alone. I can�t do this again.

I wait�

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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