My mood is finally improving slightly although the dynamics in my life remain the same. I often wonder at the human psyche that one day is torn asunder by a situation and can withstand a similar tragedy the next day with nary a blink. What I am capable of withstanding is a parabolic curve and no data I maintain provides me with the ability to predict my reaction to a given event. I don�t like not being able to calculate something and obtain and answer. I�m not complaining mind you because I enjoy a surprise as much as the next person but it would be nice to see the obstacles in the path before I am right up on top of them.

Today is tax day. No one is very fond of today and I am not the only person in the unenviable position of owing the Federal government and State of California money. What bites my butt is the fact that I foresaw this possibility last year when I found that I owed and was forced to negotiate with my ex to split the refund in order to claim him as a dependent. I immediately went to the woman in Human Resources and filled out the paperwork to change my status to 0 dependents (to make up for the 4 months when insufficient taxes were taken from my pay) and married filing separately (just in case the divorce was not final by the end of the year). This way no matter what I would not owe. What happened you may ask (as I did when I did my taxes) how could I possibly owe? It seems, I found out when I returned to Human Resources, that although my dependent status was changed (which changed my check amount so I thought all was well) my marital status was not, thus bang, I owe, and I owe big. Well, not big for people of real income but big as in I can�t pay it now or even by next year so I will probably lose next years refund to this years taxes.

When I saw how much I owed it stabbed me in the heart. Here I am contemplating home, family and maybe even a new (used) vehicle and yet another parabolic jump. Today however I am resigned. I have gotten used to the idea that I will be paying off debt for the rest of my life. It galls me from time to time (most especially when I have attempted to do the right thing and gotten smacked anyway through no fault of my own) but life meanders on and no amount of pissing and moaning changes anything but our own mood. I choose to enjoy what I can no matter what, after all nothing lasts forever. I will pay off my debt before I die or I will die and thus no longer owe the debt. Either way at that point I will be free of it all.

Still I would like to have my own place (shared with my Beau I hope) sooner rather than later. This weekend I will look for a house, I will carefully consider my options as it applies to finances, cohabitation and health and then I will start slow and work my way up to the life I would like. If I get there fine, but if not I think the exercise of trying is worth as much as the succeeding.

Today my Beau and I will have been together for 11 months. Seems like forever (and I mean that in a good way).

*Sigh* the good in my life is that despite the crap I can still see the good.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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