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2005-04-13 - 1:25 p.m.

I�ve been thinking (which is a dangerous course of action for me).

I am discouraged by my current attempt to change my living arrangement. California landlords (or perhaps everywhere now, I don�t know it�s been three years since I last applied to rent) are now requiring you to pay for a credit check for consideration for rental. So far a fee of 15 to 30 dollars per adult has been quoted for application to rent. This means that in order for my Sweetheart and me to apply for a rental we must fork over up to 60 dollars (mind you if turned down you do not receive an indication of why you just don�t get to rent � bye-bye 60 dollars.) This makes me very concerned. Before you simply gave a job and rental reference they made a few calls and voila you were in. Now the house I lost 5 years ago could mean that I can�t rent a house today (regardless of my spotless record before and after my �loss�). I don�t want to pay only to find out that I must stay where I am (which is somewhere between here and there since I do not live in my RV anymore but I am not really living with my boyfriend either � I don�t contribute to the bills so I am a guest). It is a technicality of course but it is a reality. It is not my home, no matter how much time I spend there. I want a home.

As soon as my cast is off I will begin to strengthen my hand and wrist so that I can get a second job. I need money to dig myself out of the financial hole my erstwhile marriage has left me in and all that I now earn is spent in my current living and the minimum payments on my debt. To gain any ground I must have more money. The only way to get more money is to get another job. Now considering that I must give up my evenings (or weekends) I want to be sure and get the most from my time so my intent is to wait tables. I haven�t worked as a waitress since 2001 but before that I had a break of 15 years and stepped right back in just fine. Of course I was 4 years younger then and after you cross the halfway mark in this life things slip away faster. That fact along with the broken wrist may cause difficulties. Still there are few choices in the matter, I want to get out of this mess and hard work is the only way I know.

I was talking to a co-worker the other day (one who believes that I should have a baby soon since I am almost out of time and everyone should have a baby) and I told her I couldn�t afford a baby. She said �sure you can�, (as she explained it) you just get pregnant and then go and apply for WIC and other assistance programs. They will give you stuff to help offset the cost. I bit my tongue and didn�t say the things that flashed through my head. Thoughts such as �it�s this mentality that leads to single parents with 4 kids living in cheap apartments or getting houses while I work every day (and am looking to work two jobs) can�t afford to live as well as that. Have a baby, get free money. I am not for starving children but gosh, doesn�t that seem just a little unfair.

Oh and that�s another thought. As I consider parenthood for the umpteenth time I find myself noticing the �special� children around me. I don�t want to bring a �special� child into the world. It is for selfish reasons I am afraid for I don�t feel as bad for the child (who knows nothing else) as the parent who is forever burdened with the high responsibility care of the child and the worry of what will happen to them after the parent is gone. I know they love them and want them and would never think of abandoning them but am I prepared for the reality. My chances of complications are very high as are the chances that the child will suffer diminished capacity or worse.

Like I said I have been thinking.

Oh I almost forgot:

TODAY IS THE DAY I AM FINALLY HAVING MY CAST REMOVED!

No matter what I think, today is still a good day.

I wish you Peace

~alison~


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