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2005-03-30 - 8:56 a.m.

I am in awe of the wisdom in those with fewer years here than I have accumulated. I don�t wish to be ageist but I generally assume that time in should have more of an effect on the learning process. It seems that like any other subject some folks just seem to excel at this whole living thing.

I am working myself up to a brave moment with my Darling. I am faced with a need to know his intentions. Going in I made my intentions clear, I wished for no ties seeking only physical comfort to get me through the transition from married to single. I wanted to disappear into carnal acts with no responsibility for caring for another. I had burned out those circuits and had no desire to repair them. I needed someone who would place no demands on me an allow me to stay distant and keep my heart safe.

I dated some, looking for a person who would let me cozy up and hold on for the worst of the ride.

There were suitable men, the right age and background, some with children some without, all very concerned about being �just a transitional man� so hesitant to take up with an obviously damaged person.

There were unsuitable men, carbon copies of the man I was, at the time, prying myself free from.

And there were young men, totally unsuitable, one I dallied with early on and later developed a platonic friendship with and my Darling Beau who kept coming out to see me, smiling quietly, waiting patiently and eventually accepting what I could give as good enough. I suspect he always hoped it would be more than the fling I suggested but he entered into this with only the promise that I would not knowingly do anything to hurt him and that I would be honest. I held back and he cared for me. I was flippant and he stood like an oak (as tall as he is the metaphor fits) beside me allowing me to set the tone, but being there for me each time I reached out. One day I hurt him, I said something glib and callous and I hurt him. When I realized what I had done I felt as though my heart was in a vice. How could this be? I was wrong and should apologize of course but how had this man found my heart. I had hidden it so carefully and refrained from any promise or statement of affection beyond lighthearted terms of endearment. I had locked away my emotional landscape, this was just a fling damn it. Despite my original intentions and rigid avoidance of the �L� word I was hopelessly and firmly entwined in love with this man regardless of his age.

Low and behold, almost a year later I am still with this totally unsuitable young man who loves me and has stood by me as I battled my ex-husband, mental illness, a new job, and, recently, a particularly bad broken wrist. He is kind and loving, aware of and solicitous of my needs and moods and, as my mother puts it, �more the kind of man we thought you would end up with.� If I were twenty-something I don�t think it would even be a question (although you never know, I was fairly stupid in my late twenties and made some very poor choices).

Anyhow, now I find myself in the company of a wonderful soul whose life I wish to share. I was not looking for this in the beginning, in fact I wasn�t certain I would ever find this but it is before me now and I am going to voice it. I am going to say it out loud, first here, then to him and, if he shares this feeling, eventually to the people in our respective worlds.

I will jump into the waters. It is possible that I will get burned still I know that no matter what happens I will survive. I stand naked before the pool, shivering, but I am hoping that after the first shock of the water I will be warmed to the bones and wonder why I stood so long in the cold when I could have been warming in the hot spring.

I wish you Peace

~alison~


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