�Does that apply to emotional wounds as well� ~ Alison�s Words 2005

I have been rolling this concept around in my brain (between distracting bouts of pain) since I wrote the words yesterday. I wondered why in the midst of real physical pain my thoughts drifted to emotional pain. My relationship with my Beau is good but from time to time my paranoia causes me to doubt his intentions suspicious that he is only waiting for my wrist to heal so he can dump me. I worry about being too high maintenance. Then I realize how silly that is and I am ashamed of thinking so little of someone I love. Recently I find myself dreaming of the past and not just the recent past with my ex but the past in general, childhood, college and pre-ex. My mind travels the landscape stopping at each fork in the road to consider the path not taken. I realize that one can not obsess about the past, after all it no longer exists and even our memories of the events are skewed by time, but don�t forget the truth:

"Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it." ~George Santayana 1905.

I am experiencing an overwhelming drive to understand my past in order to paint my future. Zen Buddhism (more a lifestyle than a religion regardless of what some have done with the tenets) teaches �living in the moment� and I subscribe to that philosophy to the extent that I believe it is important to be aware of the now and be �present� in your life but you can not use the philosophy to ignore the future. Without proper preparation the future will overwhelm you and will most likely be a repetition of past events, the names and faces will change but the story will remain the same.

"The story you are about to hear is true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent." ~Dragnet 1949

How do I inhibit my condemnation? How can I avoid the repetitious behavior so many seem to find themselves trapped in? My solution, of course, is to examine the past to see where changes could have been made positively affecting the outcome of events for example: I was married against my wishes. By that I mean I resisted marrying my ex because I always knew he was not capable of sustaining a long term relationship. It was not fear of commitment and I am certain a great deal of the outcome would have been the same including my sole responsibility for our debt. I might have been more hesitant to accumulate the debt and perhaps more insistent on his contribution to the payments when he was flush but the real reason I am where I am has nothing to do with my ex. He was a symptom of my disease. I have gathered a fine collection of self inflicted wounds, the responsibility lays squarely on my shoulders, and I not sure I can take anymore.

�My scars remind me that the past is real� ~ Scars, Papa Roach 2004

I was not conscious of my mental journeying. In fact each time I awoke in the dark (which has happened frequently every night since my surgery) I was disturbed by the content of my dreams. While I am warmed physically and emotionally by the man who holds my heart and wraps me in his arms as I sleep these disturbing dreams leave me feeling a little lost. I search the textured ceiling for answers to the questions whirling in my mind. As the night drags excruciatingly on I drift in an out of consciousness dividing my time equally between the two states. I can not rest even in sleep because my mind seems determined to find the answer so I can place my foot on the next path.

�Stay close to the candles the stairway can be treacherous� ~ Frau Bl�cher, Young Frankenstein 1974.

My Beau�s mother asked him if we were going to get married and have children. When I asked what his response was he told me that he laughed. I found the silence after his admission disconcerting and I wish I possessed the courage to voice the questions weaved through the silence. I want to know what he wants. Trouble is he is waiting for me to say what I want.

�Well, ain't we a pair� ~ Auntie Entity, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome 1985

Every time I go to the grocery store I am confronted with trash magazines expounding on Demi and Ashton�s relationship and currently on a possible pregnancy. On the television Fran Drescher stars in a new comedy about a 40 something woman living with a 25 year old man. My life is suddenly chic. Family and friends take the time to point that fact out to me I suppose in an effort to reassure me that my current lifestyle and choices are acceptable, in fact in vogue. I feel anything but chic, I fear growing old (and therefore unattractive to him), I fear his biological clock which is not in sync with mine and could rear it�s ugly head in the future, and the imaginary bus (waiting to run he or I over) that is always there in my mind to justify not considering these real dangers (truths) just isn�t tipping the scales anymore. I don�t know what to do or what I want and I can�t put this off forever. I wish I didn�t have to decide which brings me to another quote:

�If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice�~ Freewill, RUSH 1980

Where is that bus when you need it?

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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