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2005-03-14 - 9:41 a.m.

Oh my, but I get feisty don�t I? Please accept my apologies for the previous rant. As I explained to a good friend:

Bad mood + Pet peeve + Ignorance = Rant

I am feeling better today, refreshed. Not so much because of a restful weekend but just the opposite. For the first time in a long time I spent my weekend working. I was able to wallpaper my RV kitchen (which is a challenge because it is small but awkward and requires the use of vinyl shelf liner rather than actual wall paper.) I am quite satisfied with the result. I am attempting to squeeze in as much work on the place as I can manage before the second surgery on my wrist. I have a window in which to complete repairs and sale of my RV before desert season so as to garner the best selling price. The surgery will eat more than a month of valuable time so I am under the gun to accomplish a great deal this week. Isn�t it funny that your �house� never looks as good as the day you sell it. I have made so many improvements and for a while it was a really happy �home�. It now feels cold and empty but with each change it becomes more generic, less mine. I feel as though by the time I sell it will have been transformed in reality and (more importantly in my mind) into a vacation toy for Family X. Just more of my letting go I suppose.

I am not happy about the second surgery and subsequent recuperative period mostly because I have already begun to feel close to normal (or at least resigned to my new normal) and I resist giving up the ground I have gained. I will become dependent on My Beau for everything from rides to work and assistance dressing. I think about people who have been forced by life�s random acts into physical paralysis and I feel such compassion. My little limitation frustrates me and I am so very much better off than they are.

I also think about the folks who are mentally paralyzed. It is easy to forget from time to time my own illness and the potential extremes that this disease can develop. I find myself engaged in a conversation with someone who is not aware of my illness. We speak of a friend of hers and their illness and I try to help without letting my own condition be known. I am afraid. I fear what will happen to me if it becomes public knowledge. It�s not like cancer or diabetes, it is a mental illness. I�m �crazy� and �unbalanced�. Although this is true I have become an expert at hiding it and I still manage to function. I am thankful that I can hide it and function because once you fail to function as a single, white, un-reproductive female you are literally cut off from any help in society. Even one child and I would be taken care of but childless I would be forced into the streets.

So I am busy, busy, busy and so very tired I forget things (like my meds). I am scared of what will happen when I don�t take them. It was so bad before and things are so much better now. I still feel hopeless from time to time but not in a deep empty hole way just in a resigned �that�s life� way.

Buddha said:
�existence is unhappiness�

An old friend of mine countered:
�existence is existence, unhappiness is unhappiness�

Either way I know Que Sera, Sera.


I wish you Peace

~alison~


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