Having taken my first shaky steps into the New Year I am feeling, well, still a little fragile and exhausted from my trip. Though I would have to call the trip a rousing success I have returned with some grist for the mill in the form of my wish for the future.

My desire to live in the moment not withstanding, I keep returning to the same dilemma. What do I want to do about children? A few years ago I would have told you unequivocally that I have no desire to breed (in those words I imagine) but now when that decision is about to be taken from me by the ticking clock I am not so sure.

I have wondered aloud on these pages already on several occasions but there is no avoiding it, I need to face it and figure out what I want. I need to know how I feel before I approach my Love one way or the other.

The day after Christmas the newest member of my Darling's family stirred the embers of my own ponderings and I have not been able to put out the fire which ensued. I am at a crossroad and I need to decide which fork to take.

Up to now I have been stuck between worlds, not finished with my marriage, or able to look to the future and chained to the details of separation. The marriage ended December 9th, 2004 and I began the year a new (old) person. With only a few logistics to complete before I can truly put the past away I am standing at the fork of the road.

Do I want to try and have the family that I thought I could not have or do I continue on in my childfree fashion, looking forward to the day when I can retire and enjoy�well, I will not be a Grandma so, I guess, enjoy doing nothing?

I am so torn.

Up till now I could lose myself in the day to day of my divorce but now I am forced to think about my future and the decision is pressing.

Time is an issue.

What do I want?

What?

I have made so many changes in the past year and a half.

Today I am 19 months free from my addiction to nicotine.

On the 11th I will be one year free from alcohol.

May 14 I will have been with my Love for a year.

May 24th I will have been a year on the medication that controls my excessive mood swings.

I am not the person I was a year ago at this time. My world has changed so much that even I barely recognize it. And the words my Beau said to me on the day after Christmas as I cried in his arms still ring in my head:

�Who says you can�t have children?�

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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