I am exhausted. I have been told that this feeling is an inevitable result of the emotional rollercoaster that I have been riding for the past 10 months. Since my separation my world has revolved around the reality of my ongoing divorce process and now that it is over I am supposedly experiencing the let down that follows such an emotional release.

Like every other time in my life I have no time to rest. I am blazing ahead. The logistics of my divorce are still pending. I am attempting to have my personal belongings moved from my in laws homes and transferring property to my ex. I will need to change the registration of my car and eventually my name (due to travel restrictions I will have to wait until after the holidays to return to my maiden name) and all the identification associated with my new (old) name.

I will meet my new boyfriend�s family over the holidays while my ex�s family barely tolerates me and behaves as though I am the devil incarnate. I am hoping that this new family will like me but the old family has taught me that no matter how much they proclaim their love for you it will all be withdrawn should things not workout in the long run. This action will not be gradual but abrupt like losing an arm. I realize that I can not control what is said about me but I am amazed that they don�t recognize the unreality of the story, so many of our mutual friends had no difficulty identifying the truth. I have no desire to defend myself but the situation colors the way I look at this new family.

I love the man I am with now and I would have never pegged him and me as potential mates. I only allowed the relationship in the beginning as a casual fling and found myself in love with this man. I have no illusions of perfection or happily ever after but I am happy every day when I wake in his arms and every night that I go to sleep the same way. I feel loved and cared for and I hope that he feels the same. Having spent so much of my youth alone, waiting so long to even consider marriage, and having ended it so badly you would think that I would run screaming into the hills to spend the rest of my life hiding from the opposite sex. Instead I am seriously considering the idea of a possible long term with this man.

And I am exhausted. No rest for the wicked, no sleep but for the dead, and even in my loved state I find the wish for final rest, peace. It is all more that I can stand most days and there is no end in sight. I will continue like this, with out change, until�until. I feel lost and empty and no amount of love seems to ease that pain.

Of course I just got divorced and so this could all be just a natural reaction to an unnatural emotional trauma.

Yes, that�s it.

I am not falling apart at the seams or hanging off the edge of a cliff wishing for the end, I�m just tired. I need to sleep. But there is no time for sleep and so I just keep going.

�Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming�

The above is quoted from Finding Nemo, my absolute favorite movie right now. I wish I was Dorie sometimes because then I could forget everything and just live in the moment.

There is peace in mindlessness but you must be mindful of mindlessness and therein lies the paradox of existence.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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