The other day a friend asked me why I never had children. It's a touchy subject and not one that most people feel comfrotable broaching but this was a very good friend and we were in a fairly deep conversation at the time.

It sort of stopped me in my tracks.

I would not have been a good parent when I was younger. I think I would have resented a child as the cause of my lack of success in the theatre. I didn't marry until I was 35 and then when I did it was to a selfish alcoholic who would have made an even worse parent. He actually has a child I now believe he made no real attempt to be there for.

I am now 41 years old and my days of potential reproduction are behind me. I have found a wonderful man (many years my junior) with whom, if I had met a man like him in my late twenties or early thirties, I could easily see myself raising a family with.

This is all pipe dreams.

My young friends are becoming pregnant and starting families and soon enough they will have no time for me. I'm used to it now, and I don't begrudge them, we will have nothing in common once they begin parenting.

People tell me I could adopt but I am a single, forty-one year old, with a severe (my insurance companies classification) mental disease.

I would be laughed out of the office.

I am concerned about what an "at risk pregnancy" would do to me and the baby, and what would I do when I am 60 and they are wanting to start college?

It's all very complicated and if I do nothing, well then, the choice will no longer exist.

What do I do about the fact that every month I harbor a quiet wish that I will have an accident?

What do I do about the fact that I am becoming obsessed with the fact that I will not be able to give the love that I have in my heart for children?

I pretend for my friends and family that I do not like children and have no desire to reproduce but that is just so they will not feel sorry for me.

I have lived my life so badly, I am a walking disaster area and it would be irresponsible for me to have a child but I want one none the less.

Like everything else I have wanted this is not to be, still I can't deny the truth to myself.

I will hide it from the rest of the world but I have to let it out somewhere.

I want, can't have, sigh...

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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