I learned an important lesson Friday. I was catching up on some much needed care of my postage stamp yard and packing things away for winter. After mowing the lawn and gathering the trash I took my trash can to the dumpster. I have always been stronger than most women I know and having grown up in a household of boys I learned to do things for myself. My Father made it clear that women can do anything a man could and so I was expected to pull my own weight. When I lifted the trashcan something gave way in my back. I am not horribly injured in fact after a day of lazying around I am feeling much better with only a slight tightness in the small of my back to show for the damage done. I learned that I am in fact 41 and can not do the things I could when I was thirty. I do not like this development of course because I am soon to be single again and though my ex wasn't known for his physical abilities (I was the strong back of the relationship) he could provide help from time to time. I will now have to learn to ask for help. I do not like this development but here I am and no amount of wishing will change things.

In one weeks time I will be 1 1/2 years quit of smoking. I am feeling so distant from the event that I am beginning to wonder how I ever came to smoke. I am one of the lucky ones I suppose. There are many who struggle every day no matter how long they have quit and I don't even think about it for days at a time and then when I do it is just to be thankful I don't have that monkey on my back. I am also one month away from my year anniversary of sobriety. I find it just as hard to think of myself as a drunk as I do a smoker. I don't struggle with that decision either. I was never fond of drinking or the feeling of being out of control that came with it. I sought alcohol as a form of medication and with the proper medication my need for alcohol is gone. I preferred to drink at home and eschewed public drunkenness. It was my desire to hide my suffering that eventually sent my alcoholic husband into the arms of another woman, one who could share his addiction to tobacco and alcohol along with his penchant for partying out and about.

I feel a little out of place amongst the folk who still struggle with their addiction to alcohol but I will celebrate my year with them and then reduce my attendance to a reasonable amount since my social group has not transferred from drunks to alcoholics. I never much liked hanging around with drunks and most of my friends are not drinkers. My boyfriend will have a beer or two from time to time but doesn't drink often or seem to miss it. I don't ask him not to drink because I don't, but I expect him to be responsible about it and not drive while intoxicated. I am so lucky that my irresponsibilty never resulted in harm to another person. I could not have lived with myself had I hurt someone while drunk.

My ex is running me ragged with his sense of entitlement and conviction that by virtue of my mistake in trusting him when he said he would love me and forsake all others means that I now need to support him for the rest of his life. He sighs and cries and portrays himself as a victim of the system which would leave him homeless and with no means of support if they don't make me provide for him. He drags his feet on his paperwork and forces me to attend repeated court dates which accomplish nothing because he is unprepared and then sighs and whispers "I just want this all over". He can conceivably drag this out longer by refusing to accept his responsibilty for the marital debt but the judge will not make me shoulder that debt all alone, California is a no fault state and so I will not be punished for being the one who wants out. He will weep and sob over my "throwing him out into the street" and I will point out he has been living with his girlfriend (His words not mine) since we separated. And so we will dance through the courts. In the end there will be justice I have to believe that.

I will, of course survive as I have all along but I will take my new found lesson and apply it to all areas of my life. I will ask for help. Help with my emotional life along with the physical aspects of my day to day existence. I will have to learn to trust again and to ask for assistance from time to time.

I am not happy to have to depend on people for my experience is that most people are not reliable, not because they don't care but because they have their own lives to manage and very little energy left over for their friends, but I have more friends than I ever expected to have and if I am careful and spread out my requests for help then I should be OK. I worry sometimes that I am not a good friend myself but I am human after all and I must rely on my friends to be as forgiving of my shortcomings as I am of theirs.

Thanks you to all my friends both 3d and 2d who have stood by me through this hellish ride. I may be seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and with your support I will make it through. I love you all.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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