So Court went fairly well. My STBX signed the tax returns so I no longer owe the federal and state governments a shitload of money. I will have to split the refund with him but it is worth it not to pay. This year I will be ok because I changed my status early in the year so I should not have to pay anything. He is holding my personal property ransom for the camera we bought for our Christmas present in Florida. Even though we purchased nothing else he still believes it was "his" present regardless of the fact that it means there was no gift at all for me that year. Of course that was the first of three years where he made no attempt to give me a Christmas gift (even a small item) the last one spending two days looking for the CD his girlfriend was asking for (cause she was just a friend). He will exchange my stuff for the camera. I will probably give it to him. I'm glad I kept it though because he was holding my stuff from me from the beginning. It galls me that he is playing the "I'm just tired of all this and I want it over" crap as though I were dragging things out. My paperwork has been done since February.

Anyway, I go for my settlement hearing on Tuesday the 9th of December follwed by my support (I should say his support since he is asking for me to support him) hearing on the 14th. I could possible be all over before Christmas. The lawyer can not see how the judge could possibly award him support and I am hoping that he is right. I will have a very hard time enjoying my Christmas if things go badly for me. I am going to be optimistic (for a change) and believe that it will all go my way.

My book is languishing due to my preoccupation with all this divorce stuff. I try to get back to it every day and every day I am just too tired (emotionally) to drag it out of me. I will not win but I am further along that I expected to be. Winter is coming and there will be plenty of long nights and early mornings for me to keep pecking away at it.

I had a lovely Thanksgiving. I Made cornish hens for two and we watched a movie. I had invitations to friends houses for dinner (or just pie) and though I truely appreciate them I don't feel very socialble right now and the thought of playing the part makes me ill. I can't bring myself to be that person and I don't want to show up all pissy. It's bad enough my poor Beau must deal with my dark mood, although he had a dark mood of his own last night. I was afraid at first that it had something to do with me (egotistical freak that I am) but it turned out that he has demons of his own and memories that haunt him. He didn't want to talk and so I simply left him alone for a while and held him when he came back. Men are different they want to hide away until they feel better. I love him and I want him to be happy but I would no more make him feel bad about feeling bad then he would me. My STBX never let me feel and I still have difficulty expressing my negative feeling for fear that I will be treated badly for them. Being a women I should want to talk things out but so many years of hiding my emotions makes it hard to express them now. My Beau, like me, fears my moods have to do with him but my divorce and mental disease often drg me along and he can no more create my moods than I can.

Time ticks and the world turns dispite any disire on my part to stop and breathe. I have often wished for a dibilitaing illness or broken leg so that I could take some time off of my life. I would gladly suffer some physical pain to take my mind off the emotional turmoil.

Today I will work my way through what ever task is set before me and tomorrow I will do the same.

The days will string together like popcorn on a garland to decorate the tree of life and my life will be lost amonst the many decorations on the massive evergreen.

Dust to dust, ashes to ashes, I am riding Sandy's wave as well but rather than hanging ten I lie on my belly gripping the edges of the board with my eyes closed begging for it to stop.

Someday it will end , but until then, my knuckles white, I hang on tight.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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