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2004-11-08 - 8:27 a.m.

It's Monday and I am back to work. The weekend felt longer than usual because of how early I was up both days and how much I accomplished. I have decided that I will look for a new car. It seems very likely that my ex will get the car I paid for before we were married as personal property because we bought it from his sister so he registered it in his name to avoid taxes. I wasn't happy when I found out but there was nothing I could do it was already done. Now the Judge may award me his car because I need it to stay employed and he destroyed the marital car. Of course this is all more details that I am trying to put out of my head. I am writing a novel you know.

I am currently at 10,508 words. I realize this number is only 1500 words more than Saturday and honestly I did very little writing on Sunday just some light editing but it worked out to 1500 words which keeps me on pace for the 50,000. I have just, unfortunately, finised chapter two so I expect the novel in it's entirety will be much longer than the 50,000 required to "win".

Today it is raining and I will do my laundry after work. I will sit at my desk in my creepy RV and write more of my story drawing on the bad Karma, I think, to feed the antagonist. He is the creepiest creature and I am enjoying fleshing him out. I love that I can be the hero and the villain at the same time (or at least by chapter).

I am still feeling a little ill and I can't say whether it is an actual illness or just the manifestation of my stress related to the man who used to be my world and his most (typical) unresonable demand. My shrink has taken the month of November off to go hiking in that third world country and I am hesitant to seek help from a strange doctor who knows so little about me. Nor do I want someone else reading the notes that my shrink has made (of which I am not even privy to). So I feel ill and I grow tired and apathetic about everything in my life. I find myself becoming distracted frequently with thoughts of the upcoming court dates despite my best efforts to let it all go. My poor Beau is beside himself as to what he can do to make me feel better and so far his most successful therapy is to blow fart noises on my cheek. It is impossible to be miserable in the face of such absurdity. He has also volunteered to attend court with me and while I truely appreciate the gesture it feels wrong to involve him that closely to my past and I would be giving up the superior stance I have had in not showing up with anyone but my lawyer. My ex has brought his girlfriend to all but one hearing and though the Judge cannot technically use that against him Judges are human and there is a certain liberty they maintain within the system in order to serve justice. It is not just the law but the service of justice that matters. It is not fair that my ex should be allowed to use me so badly, move on to his new life and then reach back from that life to pinch me for more money than he has already bled from me during the course of our marriage.

See how this continues to engulf me? I am trying to find away to let go of it all but until the garbage is removed from your house it will continue to smell and you can only ignore the smell for so long.

I wish you Peace

~alison~


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