Lunchtime, on a friday, sitting here wishing it were later. I am like a petulant child who whines about responsibilities and wants to ignore it all and go play. Recognizing that fact does nothing to mitigate the feelings. There is so much emotional crap rushing toward me at breakneck speed that I can't even wrap my brain around it all.

A year ago I began the downward spiral of my marriage, in October, just before Halloween (a night spent drinking and partying with the couple whose fate would wind around mine leaving myself and her husband standing alone wondering how they could be so cruel and deceitful.)

As I begin the normal race through the holiday season I am faced with unavoidable memories that creep up unannounced to torture me, a looming court date that may or may not be a turning point in my "marriage disolution" (how I love legalize), the holidays themselves which have never been a comfortable time for me, and the "sheer pleasure" of meeting my young boyfriends family for the first time, in Michigan, on Christmas, at his Moms house (where she would very much like us to stay while we are in town ~ to which I say, ah NO).

That's just the personal stuff lets not forget my work commitments (I may yet need to travel in the next two months for work), my commitment to writing that novel in November (who thinks of these things?), and, oh returning to the personal front have I mentioned that I am insane? Well technically, according to my health insurance company, I suffer from "grave mental illness".

Unlike friends of mine who seem to find infinite peace in their faith I do not subscribe to "Gods Plan" and so I am stuck simply stumbling through life as best I can trying to recognize what I control on the wheel of life and what is not mine to know. I have no higher power to surrender to, I walk alone because there I have no proof of otherwise.

Scientist amuse me in how they condemn religion (I think religion is great, wish I could go there) and then present their theories as fact with no proof at all. I am not saying Darwin is wrong I'm just saying evolution is not a fact it is a theory and will remain so until it is proven. I am stuck in the position of not knowing. I just don't know so I am forced to proceed from there. It often leaves me drowning in a pool of emotions wishing for an end to the suffering. If I were truely drowning, at this point I would have reached the edge of my endurance and might calmly let go and stop struggling.

I am not drowning though, so I am stuck waking every day and making my way through the day by placing one foot in front of the other. As I child I remember watching the hoiliday story of Kris Kringle and seeing him encourage the abominable snowman with the song "Put one foot in front of the other". For now this is my theme song. Until I can breath again I will simply walk along the bottom of the emotional ocean until my head is finally above water.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

�