It's dark still. My BF lays sleeping peacefully while I have spent the last hour staring at the ceiling and praying for sleep. I thought I was just feeling a little anxiety but now I think I am riding up the roller coaster. My first since I started my new treatment so I am curious as to how high the coaster goes. It's interesting to think that I have been through this so many times I can't remember how many and I never know exactly what to expect. I was able to work myself exhausted last night by cleaning and packing my old life away but unfortunatly it was also emotionally draining. Now here I am awake before the sun and no hope for a return to peaceful slumber. This is part of the disease yet I still can't quite get used to it. The mornings I have sat in the dark wondering if I will sleep again or just count the minutes to the time when I can get up and pretend that I am like everyone else are so numerous, I have trouble pretending anymore. As I get older I am more and more frustrated by the lack of help for this all too common illness. I envy my BF who sleeps so peacefully although less so without me there beside him (how quickly we become used to someone in our lives).

I suppose I will crawl back into bed and make another attempt at sleep not caring whether there are dreams, only wishing for an end to these endless hours of waiting for the rest of the world to wake up and join me in conciousness. If I thought that the doctor could fix it, make it all go away, well I guess that was the optimist in me. Try though I may to shut her out every time this happens she suggests that this will be the last, that I will be like everyone else someday. I can hear my neighbor coughing, he is awake too. Like me he is sick. Unlike me he will get well and sleep peacefully again while I will continue to ride. How I wish I could trade this ticket to ride. I think that we who suffer are always pondering Hamlet's query "to be or not to be". We lost another soul just the other day, I can not blame them or seek to join them, the devastation would be too great and then there is that optimist who always hopes that this will be the last ride of the night train.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

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