It has been almost a week since I have sat down to write my thoughts. So much has happened that I am not sure where to begin. It seems as though I am being plagued by flashes (landmines really) from my past that are complicating the current relationship. I was spending a nice evening with my boyfriend after my class when the sensory input combined to create a very familiar situation. It was not my BF's fault nor did he do anything wrong I simply was reminded of a past similar situation with my ex and it pulled all sorts of crap up with it. This didn't happen just once but twice. The situation was repeated on Saturday evening when a moment of temper (not excessive or long lasting, actually quite normal) put me into that familiar place I was always in when my ex got angry because I knew that it would mean broken things and hours of foul temper. My Bf is not responsible for these feelings. They belong to me and my ex (since I am also responsible for not insisting on better behavior from my ex).

I have been thinking about why all of a sudden I am having these "moments" and I think I have figured it out. It was this time (almost to the day) that I met "Beth and Eric". They are the couple my husband insisted on hanging out with despite my concern about their drinking and out of control behavior. They became our "best friends" and we seemed to spend all our free time with them. My ex then began spending more and more time with Beth. She became his "best friend". I would have been more suspicious but he had always had women friends and I had never been threatened by that. I don't approve of jealousy. If you can not trust you have nothing. Thus this month a year ago began the downward spiral of my marriage that led to Christmas alone and my break up mid January. I filed for divorce on Feb 28. I am not looking forward to the coming season. Thanksgiving was a complete bust (we did nothing) and for Christmas not only did he not buy a gift for me (yet managed a little beanie baby with "our" pet name on it for his "best friend") but he spent the entire night before Christmas with her and her husband at their house leaving me alone. When I discovered his infidelity a few weeks later I knew that it was over. I am embarassed with how much I put up with but I just couldn't walk away from my marriage with out being sure that it was beyond repair. It is, after all, a vow. I promised "till death do us part" and here I am still breathing but parted just the same.

He is now Beths problem and she his. I have no contact with her husband but from time to time stories drift in my direction from mutual aquantences. I have no interest in any contact and simply ignore her calls, and the calls of his family. I will deal with him in court which is where this belongs. There is nothing to be accomplished in anger or resentment. I wish things had been handled differently but people change and not everything can last. I want to be happy and I don't wish him any harm. Of course my new BF dislikes my ex intensly. I try not to complain too much but he makes his own judgements from the way I am, the habits I have developed to deal with an unreasonable and demanding husband. Just the fact that he neer apologized for anything during the entire marriage says a lot.

So what do I do to prevent this season from being a repeat of the emotional rollercoaster I road last year. How do I stay out of the hole I fell into. I have decided to take my house apart and put it back together. I am getting rid of the things that make me think of the bad. I need to prepare for the sale of my home as soon as the divorce is final so I will start now and turn it into a generic RV suitable for weekends for someone else.

This year I will live in the moment as much as I can. I will chase away the demons with bright light and fun. I will share the holidays with a man who is loving, kind and patient. I will be happy because I am allowed.

I wish you Peace

~alison~

�